The best jokes (18736 to 18750)

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"God doesn't want shares of your life; he wants controlling interest!"

The ladies club was playing br...

The ladies club was playing bridge on Saturday at a member's home. That woman's husband comes into the room and announces that he's going to go golfing.

"Nice seeing you ladies," he says. "How about a goodbye kiss, honey?"

His wife walks over to him, unzips his pants, pulls out his penis, and plants a kiss right on the head. All the other ladies sat there too stunned to say anything. The woman calmly zips him back up, says goodbye, and sits back down to play cards.

After the husband is gone, one of the women says, "I just have to ask. Why do you kiss your husband goodbye on his thing?!?"

"Obviously," said the woman, "you've never smelled his breath!"

When Sartre was forced to expl...

When Sartre was forced to explain e-commerce to a cow, he remarked “Hell is udder Paypal.”

Peter called his doctor’s offi...

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment.

“I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”


“But I could be dead by then!”


“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

Gourmet Booty Call... Crudite

We can get as crudite as you want, baby!

School Collection 01

A history joke
How did the Vikings send secret messages?
By norse code!

A math joke
Teacher: What's 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That's good.
Pupil: Good?, that's perfect!

A history joke
Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opneder?
He had a bee in his suit of armour!

A history joke
Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?
Pupil: I expect it's around Hadrian's garden miss!

A history joke
Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
Because there were so many knights!

“Even covered in sala...

“Even covered in salad dressing my lettuce looked bare, so I put some cloves on it.”

School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

“I told the psychiatr...

“I told the psychiatrist that I was afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. He said I had zenophobia.”

Arrived safely...

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.

Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Football Tryout...

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line.

When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.' 'Forget the bonus,' the turkey said, 'All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

Broke Bassist

There was once a bass guitar player that was getting a divorce from his wife. The court ordered that his wife was guaranteed to HALF of what he owned.
So she got his E string and his D string.

Top Ten Conservative Catholic Pickup Lines

10. May I offer you a light for that votive candle? 9. Hi there. My buddy and I were wondering if you would settle a dispute we're having. Do you think the word should be pronounced HOMEschooling, or homeSCHOOLing?8. Sorry, but I couldn't help notice how cute you look in that ankle-length, shapeless, plaid jumper.7. What's a nice girl like you doing at a First Saturday Rosary Cenacle like this?6. You don't like the culture of death either? Wow! We have so much in common!5. Let's get out of here. I know a much cozier little Catholic bookstore downtown.4. I bet I can guess your confirmation name.3. You've got stunning scapular-brown eyes.2. Did you feel what I felt when we reached into the holy water font at the same time?1. Confess here often?

IRD Inspector

At the end of the tax year, the IRD office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRD agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the CEO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO.. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "We save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRD Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

The eminent banker explained j

The eminent banker explained just how he started in business:
"I had nothing to do, and I rented an empty store, and put up a sign, Bank. As soon as I opened for business, a man dropped in, and made a deposit of two hundred dollars. The next day another man dropped in and deposited three hundred dollars. And so, sir, the third day, my confidence in the enterprise reached such a point that I put in fifty dollars of my own money."