The best jokes (1921 to 1935)

The Internet

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

The Perks of Being Over 40<

The Perks of Being Over 40
Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

The man credited with inventin

The man credited with inventing the personal computer has died, due to a failure of his life support machine.
His last words were, "Have you tried switching it off and on again?"

Two little kids are in a hospi

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Birthday Wish

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a little brother," a boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

My Cat Speaks

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me, How?"

The Fortune Cookies

After finishing our Chinese food, my husband and I cracked open our fortune cookies.
Mine read, “Be quiet for a little while.”
His read, “Talk while you have a chance.”

Sodium Hypobromite

Science teacher: "Does anyone here know what sodium hypobromite is?"
Student: "NaBrO!"

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

A man and his wife were making

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

Why are all monks promiscuous

Why are all monks promiscuous womanizers?

Getting Older

As I get older I realized....
I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

I Think I'm A Moth

"Doctor, I think I'm a moth."
"It's not a doctor you need, it's a psychiatrist."
"I was on my way there when I saw your light on."

Off To Dinner

Her: At least invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don't go out with married women.
Her: But I'm your wife.
Him: I make no exceptions.

Learning My Lesson

I definitely learned my lesson about speeding today and it will never happen again.
I didn't get pulled over or anything...
I just showed up to work 20 minutes early.