The best jokes (2326 to 2340)

The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!

The Blind Man Is Here

A Nun was taking a shower one day and she heard the door bell ring, she yelled "Who is it?"
And the person ringing the door bell yelled, "I'm the blind man."
So the Nun got out of the shower and wrapped her hair in a towel, she didn't bother putting a towel around herself because the person behind the door was blind.
She opened the door and said, "What do you want?", and the man said, "I'm here to check your blinds."

A mother and her very young so

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines fromKansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking outthe window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have babydogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have babyairplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son toask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. Thestewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tellyou to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwestalways pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

A man has a racehorse that nev...

A man has a racehorse that never won a race. The man says in disgust, "Horse, you win today or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning."
The starting gate opens and all the horses take off running except for the man's horse which is lying there asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you sleeping?"
The sleepy horse raises his head and says, "I have to get up at 3 o'clock in the morning."

A man was sitting next to me i...

A man was sitting next to me in one of the two "husband chairs" in a ladies' clothing store.
After 30 minutes and five outfits, the fellow's wife came out of the changing room again.
He looked at her and immediately said: "That looks good on you. Get that one."
"Honey," she replied, "this is what I was wearing when we came in."

Two men are out ice fishing at...

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Rick says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Dave continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."

A very large, old building was...

A very large, old building was being torn down in Chicago to make room for a new skyscraper.
Due to its proximity to other buildings it could not be imploded and had to be dismantled floor by floor.
While working on the 49th floor, two construction workers found a skeleton in a small closet behind the elevator shaft. They decided that they should call the police.
When the police arrived they directed them to the closet and showed them the skeleton fully clothed and standing upright. They said, "This could be Jimmy Hoffa or somebody really important."
Two days went by and the construction workers couldn't stand it any more, they had to know who they had found. They called the police station and said, "We're the two guys who found the skeleton in the closet and we want to know if it really was Jimmy Hoffa."
The cop said, "Well, it wasn't Jimmy Hoffa, but it was somebody kind of important."
"Well, who was it?"
"The 1956 Polish National Hide-and-Seek Champion!"

The district attorney stared a...

The district attorney stared at the jury, unable to believe the "not guilty" verdict he'd just heard. Bitterly, he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"
The foreman answered, "Insanity."
The attorney responded, still incredulous, "I could understand that, but... all twelve of you?"

In the middle of an argument a

In the middle of an argument a man said to his wife, Sissi, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time!"
Sissi responded calmly, "Allow me to explain... the good Lord made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; and he made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

From the Blonde Files – Horseback Riding

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blond begins to slide from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway.
The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune Frank, a Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
...... And you thought all they did was say Hello.

Kid's View of Baptism

A father is in church with his three young children, including his five-year-old daughter.

As was his custom, he sat on the very front row so that the children could better see all that was going on.

During this particular service, the minister was performing the baptism of a tiny infant. The little five-year-old girl was most enthralled by this, observing that he was saying something and pouring water over the infant's head.

With a quizzical look on her face, the little girl turned to her father and asked, "Daddy, why is he brainwashing that baby?"

A Dear John Letter

Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.

What do you want out of life?

A teacher asked her class, 'What do you want out of life?' A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, 'All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says.'

The teacher asked, 'Really, and what four little animals would that be?' The little girl said, 'A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it.

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
...... Only in America

The ten commandments of marriage

Commandment 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.
Commandment 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
Commandment 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wife treats husband like toxic waste.
Commandment 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

Bad Math...

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."