The best jokes (2386 to 2400)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 2386 to 2400. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Few short jokes for quick laugh
I entered a palindrome contest.
I got top spot.
I recently tried to write a book on plants
It was too difficult.
I should have used paper.
4 years ago today I married my best friend…
My wife still hasn't forgiven me but me and Dave were drunk at the time and thought it was hilarious!
A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.
When Laughter Is Not the Best Medicine
Laughter is the best medicine...
Unless you have broken ribs.
6 Good jokes for Happy Friday
I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities
My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.
People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains
A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.
My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
Triple the Laugh
Saw the cutest TRIPLETS in the mall last week. Each had a personalized shirt.
1st shirt said: I WAS PLANNED.
2nd one said: I WAS NOT.
3rd said: ME NEITHER!
The Future of Technology
I was visiting a friend who could not find her cordless phone. After several minutes of searching, her young daughter spoke up.
“You know what they should invent? A phone that stays connected to its base so it never gets lost.”
Strangers In The Night
A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 a.m. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies,"How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!"and hangs up.
Her husband rolls over and asks,"Sweetheart, who was that?"
"I don't know,some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."
The Worst Age
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
Three older ladies...
Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older.
One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I was taking it out or putting it away."
The second lady said, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs, and I can't remember whether I was on my up, or on my way down."
The third lady chimed in, "Well, I'm glad I don't have those problems. Knock on wood." With that, she rapped her knuckles on the table, then said, "That must be the door. I'll get it."
A boy was crossing a road one ...
A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The boy said, "Look. I'm a grad student. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."
Too Much Hunting
Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"
Never been to a strip club
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?”
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He's on my bowling team.”
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”
“She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
