The best jokes (2371 to 2385)

Good Old Grandpa

Grandpa always said when one door closes, another one opens...
Great man, horrible cabinet maker.

Getting to Heaven from the Post Office

A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office.After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.”“I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”

Words For My Wife

I had some words for my wife...
She had some paragraphs for me!

Pecans, Walnuts, or Peanuts

I asked the three-year-old what he likes to eat.
“Nuts,” he replied.
“Great,” I said. “What kind, pecans? Walnuts? Peanuts?"
“No,” she said with a smile, “donuts!”

Cookies

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral.  

Out of Eden

A Sunday school teacher asked her students to draw a picture of their favorite Old Testament story. As she moved around the class, she saw there were many wonderful drawings being done. Then she came across the drawing of one little boy. He was busy drawing a man driving an old car. In the backseat were two passengers—both scantily dressed.”"It's a lovely picture,” prompted the teacher, “but which story does it tell?”The little boy seemed surprised at the question. “Well,” he exclaimed, “doesn't it say in the Bible that God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden?”

What Do You Get When ...

What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid? Someone who worships the tree that is not there.

It's Only Human

"I've created a new computer that is almost human."
"You mean that it can think, feel and reason just like a human would?"
"No, but when it makes a mistake it blames it on another computer."

Color Me Purple

I just found out I'm colorblind.
The diagnosis came completely out of the purple

Can You Hear Me Now

Matt: "It's times like this that I wish I'd listened to what my Dad always said."
Jake: "What did he say?"
"I don't know, I wasn't listening."

Rude Wife

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude to me.
She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back

Which Way?

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no 'R' in it.
I said, "No way!"

The Right Amount

Do you ever wonder...
Why is no one ever the right amount of whelmed?

When Laughter Is Not the Best Medicine

Laughter is the best medicine...
Unless you have broken ribs.

6 Good jokes for Happy Friday

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me...
I just found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities

My son asked if I was named after my dad.
I said, "of course I was, he was born many years before me."

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit covered in bee stings and smelling like honey...
You know she's a keeper.

People always ask where is Bigfoot? But never ask How is Bigfoot?
Yeti never complains

A friend told me he doesn't let his kids watch orchestra performances
cuz there's too much sax and violins.

My friend asked me if I had ever tried blindfolded archery. I replied that I hadn't.
He said, "It's great. You don't know what you're missing!