The best jokes (256 to 270)

Body building Program

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning.

It’s a girl and weighs 7 lbs 12 oz.

The Only One

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens."

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather

Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."

Follow Your Dreams

They told me, "Follow your dreams..."
So I went back to bed.

When a customer slid into the

When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.
"Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not–that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"

I'm forming a Kindergart

I'm forming a Kindergarten Metal band. Gonna call it AB/CD.

Body Building

My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine...
It's a baby boy, weighing 7 pounds!

Too Un-American

My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...
But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

The Best At Getting the Girls

Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.

Have to write a letter of reco

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."

For Dummies

I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies"...
By Robin Banks.

I Ain't Had No Fun

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she began, “what shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boyfriend?” Paul replied.

Useful Work Tips
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Useful Work Tips
Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...
Everything can be filed under "pending."...
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...
Following the rules will not get the job done...
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"...
No matter how much you do, you never do enough...
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...

If you get nostalgic about chi

If you get nostalgic about childhood camping trips you are just living in the past tents.

Whiskey Therapy

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me, "Do you need help?"
I replied, "Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead."