The best jokes (271 to 285)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 271 to 285. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Did Noah Go Fishing?
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”I just got a job running Old M
I just got a job running Old McDonald's farm. I'm the new CEIEIO.Right baby
A Brit, a Welsh fellow, and a Pakistani gentleman were seated in the waiting area of a local hospital's maternity ward.
A nurse appears and informs the men, "Apologies, but we have encountered a mix-up, and we're unsure which baby belongs to which mother. Could any of you assist in figuring this out?"
The British man rises to the occasion and offers his help. He enters the ward and, after a short while, emerges holding a baby who is clearly of Pakistani descent. The Pakistani man stands up, exclaiming, "What do you think you're doing?!"
To which the British man replies, "Look, one of those babies is Welsh, I'm not taking any chances!"
Everything rhymes
A hillbilly father is sitting on his porch, shotgun in hand as his three daughters are about to start dating.
The first boy comes up the steps and says to him : "Hi I'm Eddy, I'm her for Betty, we're going for spaghetti, is she ready?"
The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Betty your date's here," and the two take off for the restaurant.
The second boy then comes up the steps and says to him: "Hi I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, we're going to the show, is she ready to go?"
The father looks at the harmless boy and yells up "Flo, your date's here," and the two take off for the movie theater.
The third boy then comes up the steps. "Hi I'm Rex" BLAM!!!
Axe jokes - to celebrate International Ax-Throwing Day
June the 13th is International Ax-Throwing Day! Check out some Axe jokes!
Why did the tree go to the barber?
Because it needed a trim and ax.
Why did the lumberjack break up with his girlfriend?
She had too many axes.
Why did the lumberjack become a musician?
He had a knack for chopping the charts, not just logs.
Why was the lumberjack at the computer?
He wanted to log in.
What does a tree say to an axe?
I'm falling for you.
Why did the axe go to school?
To become a little sharper.
How does an axe win a debate?
With cutting remarks.
Why did the axe go to the doctor?
It had a splitting head.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet?
An axe-ident.
What did the woodcutter say to the tree?
May I axe you something?
Do you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job today?
His manager just gave him the axe.
Why was the spreadsheet afraid of the chart?
Because it had multiple axes.
How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?
He always misses her.
What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?
A miner inconvenience.
What's the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?
You get the axe when you’re hired not fired.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the Chopping Maul.
I was really disappointed when the axe I bought to climb trees with ended up being useless.
It was a total anti-climb axe.
18 Worst dad jokes for Fathers Day, according to Amazon employees
Amazon employees reveal on their best WORST dad jokes in an hilarious video series to mark Father's Day. Filmed in its UK fulfilment centres. Scotland is revealed to be the bad dad joke capital of Britain.
Interesting, one of these jokes is also voted one of 20 Best dad jokes of all time
Why are pirates called pirates?
Cos they arrrr.
What do you get if you sit under a cow?
A pat on the head.
Do you know why dads take an extra pair of socks to golf?
In case they get a hole in one.
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her …
I SAID MAYBE.
What did the janitor say when he walked into the cupboard?
Supplies.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
Have you heard about the chocolate record player?
It sounds pretty sweet.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.
Then it's a soap opera.
My friend cut his finger while he was cooking.
He shouldn't have been using the sharp cheese. Sorry, that joke was a little too cheesy.
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog, they croak every night.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says,
Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and the bartender says,
I'm sorry,
we don't serve food here.
Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?
Because they're afraid one of them might crack up.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They just don't have the guts.
What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.
Why don't scientists trust atoms?
Because they turn around and make up stuff.
14 Jokes to brighten your day
A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?
What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.
I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.
A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'
Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!
What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'
31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians
Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”
Miscellaneous Authors:
1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill
Keen Advice
Always follow your dreams!
Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
One Dollar per Point
A college professor was giving a big science test. Upon collecting the tests she noticed a note attached to one of them with a $100 bill underneath it. The note read, “One dollar per point please.”
The professor returned the test the following with $40 and a note attached. The note read, “Here's your $40 change.”
Upgraded bathroom
A guy wakes up with a massive hangover and stumbles into the kitchen, where he finds his wife.
“Hey, honey, did you upgrade the bathroom?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?” she replies, curious.
“Well, I opened the bathroom door, the light turned on by itself, and a cool breeze blew right into my face! It was amazing!”
His wife glares at him and says, “So you’re the idiot who pissed in the fridge last night!”
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
