The best jokes (271 to 285)

I'm actually a very nice person

I'm actually a very nice person… Until you piss me off.

I have learned

As i have grown up older,I have learned pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

An elderly lady was stopped to...

An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!"
The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"

What hapiness is

A man doesn't know what hapiness is until he's married.

By then it's too late.

Frank Skinner (January 28 1957-)

Picture: Reuters

A six-year-old boy called his...

A six-year-old boy called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room.
"But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mother said it was irreplaceable."

Horoscope humor...

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done-they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

LIBRA:
ER, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that OK with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned- out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

 Hard Of Hearing

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were taking a walk one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, ain't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "It's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a coke."

Quiet wife

A man's wife is sitting in the backseat while he's driving.

A cop pulls him over and says: Your wife fell out of the car about a mile back.

The man says: Thanks, I thought I'd gone deaf.

Author:gagga_hai

The Danger of Attending a Class Reunion

The 60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known each other for a number of years, having been high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past, without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles. They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high, with the widower throwing admiring glances across the table . . . and the widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally during one dance, he picked up courage to ask her, 'Will you marry me? After about 6 seconds of careful consideration, she answered, 'Yes.... yes I will!'
Needless to say, the evening ended on a happy note for the widower. However, the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over-and-over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question, but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, 'When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes or did you say No?
'Why you silly man, she replied, I said Yes. Yes, I will! And I meant it with all my heart!' The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. 'And I'm so glad you called, because I couldn't remember who asked me”.

Subject to Approval

An item for sale on craigslist....
"Antique sewing table refinished by my wife, $30. [If she’s home, $100.]"

 Ponderings Collection 03

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?
Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same?

A husband and wife were having

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping tripsto Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Infinitior Lexus in the garageand no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

A man suffered a serious heart

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment.
She asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Love Versus Marriage

What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

The Only One

I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens."