The best jokes (3136 to 3150)

Speed Read Recipes

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction...
I read to the end and say, "Well, that's not going to happen."

14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day

Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!

Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!

My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.

I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

Tough Dog

He tells the clerk that he wants a dog.
The clerk asks, "What kind of demeanor do you want the dog to have?"
The man says, "I'm looking for a guard dog, demeanor the better!"

Last Thing I Want To Do

I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."

Quitting job, and few more jokes

I have decided to quit my job as a personal trainer, because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don't have high blood pressure.

My wife yelled, "are you even listening to me?"
I thought that was a weird way to start an argument.

Perform Under Pressure

I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"

Learning To Count

Being an older parent, my son learned to count...
By filling my pill dispenser.

5 great jokes in the middle of the week

Why is giving birth called delivery
…instead of take-out?

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

My cellphone accidentally took a 10 minute video of my shoes yesterday.
It was some pretty good footage.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I asked my wife why she chose to marry me.
She said , "Because you are funny"
I said , "I thought it was because I was skilled in the bed"
To which she responded, "See? You’re hilarious!"

It's Not For Everyone

What is tact?
Tact is for people who aren't witty enough to be sarcastic.

Actuary vs. Mafia

What's the difference between an insurance company actuary and a mafia actuary?
An insurance company actuary can tell you how many people will die this year.
A mafia actuary can name them.

Parrot Talk

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

Most guys have a fantasy of having sex with 2 women at once...

I have fantasy's of having sex with 1 woman twice.

That wife of mine is a liar

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'dbeen, she said she had spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?"

"So she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

Putin dies and goes to hell

"Is Crimea ours?"

"yes"

"Donbass?"

"Thats also ours"

"Kyiv?"

"Ours"

Putin is happy and prepares to go back to hell, he asks the barteneder

"How much do I owe you?"

"5 euros"

Debt Free

"I am overjoyed! Soon I will be able to payoff all my loans and at last be debt free.
I'm on my way to the bank, thrilled to know that in a very short while I will finally have all the money I need to begin enjoying life for once.
I am so excited I can hardly get my ski mask on!"