The best jokes (316 to 330)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 316 to 330. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Sitting on the edge of the hig...

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don’t understand, Iwasn’t doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?"
"Ma’am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
"Before I go Ma’am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven’t said a word since I pulled you over."
"Oh! they’ll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route142" ...
Silence In the Courtroom
Judge: Silence in court! The next person who laughs again will be thrown out of court.
Accused: Hahahaha
Judge: I wasn't talking to you!
9 Months Later

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"
"Yes, I do." said Bob
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything."
All the Beer You Can Drink for $1

He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.
"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.
The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.
"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."
A blonde was playing Trivial P...

It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Vacation

My friend Jim told me that when he asked his wife where she wanted to go on vacation, she said that being married to him was a vacation.
When I commented that was a nice thing to say to him, Jim replied, "Well, actually, what she said was I was the 'last resort.'"
At The Bar

I was sitting at a bar with a friend the other night when he casually pointed across the bar from us and said, "see those two old drunks sitting there... that's going to be us in ten years."
I looked and him and said, "that's a mirror stupid!"
A devoted wife had spent her l
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."
They Call Me the Computer

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A funeral service is being hel...

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Letters from Little Boys to God

It's Probably Okay, Dad

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."
My Kids on Ebay

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.
The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".