The best jokes (301 to 315)

Letters from Little Boys to God

Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear God, I went to this wedding on Sunday and they kissed right in the church! Is that O.K.?NeilDear God,If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.Mickey D.Dear God,Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.BruceDear God,If you give me a genie lamp like in Aladdin, I will give you anything you want, except my money or my chess set.RaphaelDear God,Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.GregDear God,Please send Dennis Clark to another camp this summer.PeterDear God,You don't have to worry about me. I look both ways.DeanDear God,Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?DougDear God,I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair.Sam Dear God,I am American. What are you?RobertDear God,If you didn't let the dinosaur become extinct, we wouldn't have this country. You did the right thing.JonathanDear God,Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.LarryDear God,I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know that I am not saying that because you are God already.CharlesDear God,I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Thursday. That was cool!Eugene-

My Kids on Ebay

Got home from work today to find my kids have been on ebay all day.
If they are still there tomorrow I will lower the price.

After many years of marriage, I think...

After many years of marriage, I think my wife still finds me sexy.

Everytime I go past her in the house she says, "What an ass."

A devoted wife had spent her l

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
When he was slipping in and out of a coma for several months, she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
"When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side.
"You know what?"
"What, dear?" his wife asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luck."

They Call Me the Computer

My boss calls me "the computer"...
Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

A funeral service is being hel...

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying the casket.
As they are walking the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

It's Probably Okay, Dad

A man in a hurry, taking his 8-year-old son to school, made a turn at a red light where it was prohibited.
"Uh-oh, I just made an illegal turn!" the man said.
"Aw, Dad, it's probably okay," the son said. "The police car right behind us just did the same thing."

Six Quick Jokes to Kickstart Your Week with a Smile

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I already have like 50 wooden balls already.

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's 8 years in a row now.

Wife: "I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it!"
Husband: [peeing on jellyfish] "This is for stinging my wife."

I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!

I have a contact lens problem.
I have no contact lens solution.

My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.

Married 25 years, I took a loo...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"
He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

The Politics

Son: “Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.”
Dad: “Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?”
Son: “Forget it, there seem to be too many requirements.”

The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

I Got Arrested

I got arrested today for walking out of an art museum with a painting.
I’m just so confused because earlier when I asked the security if I could take a picture, they said “yes.”

Paying For His Mistake

A husband and wife had a big argument. Frustrated and fed up, the wife called up her mom and said, "We fought again, I can't do this anymore. I am coming to live with you."

Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you."

Sometimes...

Sometimes... when you cry... no one sees your tears .
Sometimes... when you are worried... no one sees your pain.
Sometimes... when you are happy... no one sees your smile.
But fart just one time...