The best jokes (376 to 390)

Fighting Back...

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

Quiet in church...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Dentist Knows Best

Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."

Fish Heads

A customer at Green's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear. "But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant."
"You sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
"You didn't eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!"

"You see?" says Green. "You're getting smarter already!"

Golf

On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession to make that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it might affect our relationship.
"What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be out on the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get. If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will always win."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for your honesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I've concealed something about my own past that you should know about. The truth is, "I'm a hooker."

"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, and overlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."  

Ben went on safari with his wi...

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

How About a Drink?

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?” “I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”

Catholic Horses

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!”The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, “Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.”-

Re-Marry My Ex-Wife

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife…
But she figured out I was only after my money!

Here's Your Phone

After a recent college basketball game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the floor. He picked it up and handed it to one of the referees, saying, "Here's your phone."
"What makes you think its mine?" the ref asked.
"Easy," the coach replied. "It says you missed 13 calls!"

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down...

A man is transporting a coffin when his car breaks down.

He pulls over and after messing about with the engine trying to fix it, covering himself in oils and grime, he calls for a mechanic, they tell him they can come in just under an hour to asses the situation.

Dismayed, he also calls his boss to let him know what has happened. His boss informs him that the destination of delivery is simply up the road and asks him to carry the coffin the rest of the way. Upset but recognising the fact that he has nothing better to do, he picks up the coffin and starts dragging it with him up the road. A police officer sees this and approaches him, asking "what are you doing with that coffin? Where are you going?".

Already upset with the situation, the man responds, "I didn't like where they buried me, so I'm moving!"

Looking Better

What is the difference between a salon and a saloon?
A salon is where you go to make yourself look better.
A saloon is where you go to make everyone else look better.

A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage...

A man is at the airport counter checking in his luggage.

The man said to the agent, "I'm flying to Los Angeles but I would like this bag to go to Portland, this one to Albuquerque, and this one to Sioux Falls."

The agent looked suitably shocked and said, "Sir, there is no way we can do that."

"Why not?", replied the man, "You did it last time".

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time...

A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.

The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”

Homework

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."