The best jokes (391 to 405)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 391 to 405. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A woman asked an Army General when was the last time...
A woman asked an Army General when was the last time he had made love to a woman.The general replied “1956, ma’am.” The woman, in disbelief, said “1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better.” The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the general and said “Well, you sure haven’t forgotten anything since 1956...” The general looked at her, confused, and replied “I sure hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
Homework
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,
"Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
Kid's say the darndest things....
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. - Alan, age 10
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. - Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. - Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. - Lynnette, age 8
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. - Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? - Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.- Ricky, age 10
Hot Water
John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."
The trick...
A little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you, Grandma. Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."
The grandmother was curious. "What trick is that my dear?" she asked.
The little boy replied, "I heard Daddy tell Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."
A final appeal...
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.
Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing.
The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.
The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to piss anyone off."
A man scolded his son for bein...
A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled against his father. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, "I'm running away from home!"The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. "What if you get hungry?" he asked.
"Then I'll come home and eat," bravely declared the child.
"And what if you run out of money?" inquired the father.
"I will come home and get some," readily replied the child.
The man then made a final attempt, "What if your clothes get dirty?"
"Then I'll come home and let mommy wash them," was the reply.
The man shook his head and exclaimed, "This kid is not running away from home, he's going off to college!"
Two boys were arguing when the
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a £10 note and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys looked at each other then gave the £10 note to the teacher.
Back Together Again
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again.
MAN, I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS!!!
My Cheating Letters
My girlfriend is furious with me because she found a bunch of hidden letters that revealed I was cheating on her.
Now she refuses to play Scrabble at all.
Muldoon Mourns his Mutt...
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"
Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes
Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"
A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.
In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?
Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"
Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!
I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.
