The best jokes (406 to 420)

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

From Dust to Dust

After church, Robbie tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.
"Pastor," Robbie says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."
"That's right, Johnny, I did."
"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"
"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Safe Sex

Every time I go on vacation my wife gets pregnant...
This year I'm taking her with me!

Honeymoon Is Over

Husband: "Now that we are married, perhaps I might venture to point out a few of your little defects."
Wife: "Don't bother, dear. I'm quite aware of them. It was those little defects that prevented me from getting a much better man than you."

8 Funny jokes to make Monday more bearable

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a pub and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me.
I am really concerned after I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.
.hings were going well but there was just one problem.
I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertized as
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay
The skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

I used to date a girl who loved to be covered in cheese…
She was a cracker!

7 short Jokes for the Weekend's Approach

What do clouds wear underneath their pants?
Thunderwear.

What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.

He says “Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month”. Doc asks “Ok. What are the dreams?”. Bloke says “It’s like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It’s driving me crazy! That’s all I think about all day”.
Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says “Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won’t have any of those dreams any longer.”
Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc “Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?”. Doc looks puzzled and asks him “Why? Why not tonight?”. Bloke looks down and whispers “Tonight is the final”.

What’s your net worth?
However many fish it catches that day!

Before going away the neighbours gave me a spare key to feed their cat.
Poor thing choked to death on it.

I told my neighbours they could eat whatever they wanted when they housesat for me.
Damn, I miss that goldfish.

Did you hear about the bartender that pushed his wife off a cliff? He made a Bloody Mary on the rocks.

A traveling salesman's car breaks down way...

A traveling salesman's car breaks down way out in farm country late in the evening.

Luckily he's not too far from a quaint little farmhouse, so he goes and knocks on the door. The farmer and his wife answer the door, quite sympathetic to the salesman's plight.

They let him use their phone to call a tow company. Unfortunately the truck couldn't come out until morning, so the couple offer to let him stay with them overnight. They don't have a guest room, but their bed is large enough to fit three comfortably, so the salesman accepts gratefully.

A couple hours after going to bed, the wife turns to the salesman and whispers, "I want you!"

He answers, "But your husband is right there!"

She replies, "Pluck a hair from his butt. If he doesn't wake up, we can do it."

He plucks a hair; the farmer doesn't stir, and they quietly have sex.

A couple hours later, she says "I want you again!"

He plucks another hair from the farmer's butt, getting no reaction, so they have sex again.

Another couple hours later, she says, "I want you one last time before you go!"

And as the salesman reaches to pluck a hair, the farmer tiredly says, "Look, man, I don't mind if you do my wife, but could you please stop using my ass as a scoreboard?"

A Vegan and A Programmer

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?
One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Whoops!

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.' He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife. So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's 3rd Grade School teacher'

I Gave My Father $100

I gave my father $100 and said, “Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.”
So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

All the Beer You Can Drink for $1

A guy is walking around town when he sees a bar with a sign advertising "All the Beer You Can Drink for $1!"

He thinks that's a great deal so he goes in, sits down, hands the bartender a dollar, and asks for a beer.

"Sure, right away" says the bartender as he pulls out a tiny shot glass and fills it up halfway.

The man is stunned. "What the hell is this?" he asks.

"That's all the beer you can drink for $1."

A plumber and a woman

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-stacked babe, and during the course of the afternoon the two became extremely friendly.

About 5.30 p.m. the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans. "That was my husband," she said, "He's on his way home, but he's going back to the office around 8. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time??"

Everyone Has It!

Everyone has photographic memory!
Difference is some do not have any film.

For Dummies

I'm reading a book called "Quick Money for Dummies"...
By Robin Banks.

Meatless Fridays

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill.Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John. He was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.They went over and talked to him. John decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic, which made them all very happy.They took him to church, and the priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and, just at supper time, when the neighborhood was settling down to their cold tuna fish dinner, the smell of steak cooking on a grill came wafting into their homes. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON?They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."