The best jokes (3991 to 4005)

Which Haunted House

SON: Can we go to a haunted house this year?
DAD: What's wrong with the one we live in?
SON: Huh?
DAD: Goodnight...

Evil Lessons

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week...
I don’t know how much she charges.

Pregnant Wife

Wife: "I'm pregnant...."
Dad: "Hi pregnant, I’m dad!"
Wife: "No, no you’re not."

What's the difference between horny and homesick?

Q: What's the difference between horny and homesick?

A: trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta, walks to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want the worst bj in the house!" "but sir, for that kind of money you could have the BEST blowjob in the house" The trucker replies, "It's ok, I'm homesick, not horny"

Defeating A Shark

How did the octopus defeat the shark?
He was well armed!

Working From Home

Yesterday I saw my neighbor kicking in his own door...
Turns out he's a burglar who started working from home.

International Sarcasm

"Sarcasm will get you nowhere in life," my boss told me.
"Well it got me to the 'International Sarcasm' finals in Santiago, Chile in 2009," I informed him.
"Really?" he asked.
"No," I said.

In the days of the Wild West,

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wantedmore than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world.
He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that hewasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly manstanding at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in theWest. The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought hima drink and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you thinkyou could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing,you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will," replied the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 andshot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the hot shot. "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where thehammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew hisgun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm learnin' somethin' here.. Got anymore tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "Seethat axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease onthe barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handleand all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
The Old Timer said , "No, but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing thepiano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much if it'sall greased up."

I'll Call Back Later

A man was the first to arrive at work one morning. The phone rang and he answered. When the caller asked for some specific information, the man explained that it was before normal business hours but that he would help if he could.
'What's your job there?' the caller asked.
The man replied, 'I'm the company president.'
There was a pause. Then the caller said, 'I'll call back later. I need to talk to someone who knows something about what's going on.'

Gary and Martin were standing...

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."
"Like what?" Martin said.
"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.
"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.
"Straight, like normal," Gary said.
"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.
"What did you do that for?" Martin said.
"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."
"Shoot!" Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Definition of a Toe

Toe: A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark.

The golf challange...

The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."

The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.

"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."

Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.

"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.

"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.

"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.

"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."

Coming into the bar and orderi

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on. "When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"
"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

Two robins were sitting in a t

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

A man went to the doctor's. T

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."
"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."
"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"