The best jokes (4006 to 4020)

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers<

A Guide to U.S. Newspapers
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.
5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.
6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.
10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

It's been my life l...

“It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.”

Little Johnny's Confession

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

Hubby: You always carry my pho...

Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Ben went on safari with his wi

Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone.Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
Ben picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said Ben, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

Two men were talking...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

Fig Leaf Found

A little boy opened the large old family Bible, and he looked with fascination at the ancient pages as he turned them one by one.He was still in Genesis when something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was a very large old tree leaf that had been pressed between the pages of the Bible long ago."Momma, look what I found!" the boy called out."What do you have there?" his mother asked.With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Due to the cabbage c...

“Due to the cabbage crop failure it was really hard to get ahead!”

Two aliens landed in the Arizo...

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that wasclosed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the youngeralien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come inpeace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don'twant to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad.'
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at thepump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispyfriend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop his pen*sover his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'

More Halloween 2018 jokes

What plants like Halloween the most?
Bam-BOO!

What do birds say on Halloween?
Twick or tweet

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand-witch!

Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?
He didn’t have the stomach for it!

What’s worse than being a five-ton witch on Halloween?
Being her broom!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?
It raises their spirits.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
Lots of blood tests!

Why are vampires so easy to fool?
Because they’re suckers.

What did the ghost say when the skeleton lied to him?
I can see right through you.

A guy went to his travel agent

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise. The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.
The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, "Great, I'll take it!"! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise. The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, I'm not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?"

 Helping Your Father

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.
"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."
Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"
"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

THE ARAB DOG VS. THE ISRAELI DOG

The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world.
So, they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This 'duel' would be a dog fight.
The negotiators agreed each side would take 5 years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The dog that won the fight would earn its people the right to rule the disputed areas. The losing side would have to lay down its arms for good.
The Arabs found the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world. They bred them together and then crossed their offspring with the meanest Siberian wolves.
They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy of each litter, fed it the best food and killed all the other puppies.
They used steroids and trainers in their quest for the perfect killing machine.
After the 5 years were up, they had a dog that needed steel prison bars on its cage. Only expert trainers could handle this incredibly nasty and ferocious beast.
When the day of the big dog-fight finally arrived, the Israelis showed up with a very strange-looking animal, a Dachshund that was 10 feet long!
Everyone at the dogfight arena felt sorry for the Israelis. No one there seriously thought this weird, odd-looking animal stood any chance against the growling beast over in the Arab camp.
All the bookies took one look and predicted that the Arab dog would win in less than a minute.
As the cages were opened, the Dachshund slowly waddled toward the center of the ring.
The Arab dog leaped from its cage and charged the giant wiener-dog.
As he got to within an inch of the Israeli dog, the Dachshund opened its jaws and swallowed the Arab beast whole in one bite.
There was nothing left but a small puff of fur from the Arab killer dog's tail floating to the ground.
The stunned crowd of international observers, bookies and media personnel let out a collective gasp of disbelief and surprise.
The Arabs approached the Israelis, muttering and shaking their heads in disbelief.
'We do not understand,' said their leader, 'Our top scientists and breeders worked for 5 long years with the meanest, biggest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves, and they developed an incredible killing machine of a dog!'
The Israelis replied. 'Well, for 5 years, we have had a team of Jewish plastic surgeons from Boca Raton working to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'

My boyfriend and I had hardly...

"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, 'Does it have to be with you?'"

A supermarket had a sale on bo

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."