The best jokes (4111 to 4125)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4111 to 4125. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
I thought you were my wife...
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.
"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
Little Johnny and the Pastor
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service", replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"
Insults
A man and his wife, who was 8 months pregnant, were doing some holiday shopping in crowded mall. They had been trading humorous insults for most of the evening, and the man decided that he was going to really get her. He announced in a loud voice, "If you don't stop insulting me, I'm not going to marry you!"
He was disappointed that only a few people around them reacted, but his wife managed to bring down the house when she responded, "That's OK, I won't tell you who the father is!"
A 70-year-old man goes to the
A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everythingseems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? Howis your connection with God?''And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond,he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to thebathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, heturns it back off.''
Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you aboutyour husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when heneeds to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns itoff for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''
And she says, ''That idiot, he's been pissing in the fridge!''
Lettter from god
One day God was looking down to earth and saw all the evil going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out. So, he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time.
When she returned she told God, yes, it was bad on earth - 95 percent of people were bad and only 5 percent were good.
Well, God thought for a moment and said that maybe he had better send down a male angel and so get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him down to earth for a time.
When the male angel returned, he went to God and told him - yes, the earth was in decline. Ninety-five percent were bad and 5 percent were good.
God said that this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5 percent of people that were good to encourage them and give them something to help keep them going.
Do you know what the letter said?
Oh, so you didn't get one either?
The blind date
After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
Words of Wisdom
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark; Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating — always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing.
Ponderings Collection 02
If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
A lady is throwing a party for
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone allout..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the partystarted, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for thebums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they willhelp chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rearof the house.The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having awonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, theclown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and wouldprobably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain thechildren herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of thebums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung fromtree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing isabsolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think yourfriend would consider repeating this performance for the children at theparty? I would pay him $50!"
The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50,WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
A very elderly couple is havin...
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?" The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You."
