The best jokes (4111 to 4125)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4111 to 4125. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Fertility Clinic
Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?
It will be called "Hoosier Daddy!"
Phobia
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
Competitive Salary
ME: What does "competitive salary" mean?
BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.
It must be hard being colour-b
It must be hard being colour-blind. It's a purples-less existence.6 Double Vodkas
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, "Geez! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?".
"Yeah, my wife..."
Goodbye Disney
As my family was leaving Disney World, my daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
My son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
I waved and said, "Goodbye money!"
A Talking Tree
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Sizing up the opportunity
A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.
The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.
Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.
The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.
The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.
The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.
The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."
Fondue jokes
What's the reason you don't hear a lot of fondue jokes?
Most of the time, they're excessively cheesy.
International Jazz Day Jokes
April 30th is International Jazz Day! Check some related jokes:
St. Peter in Heaven is checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen….."
A jazz musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up.
Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live.
Musician: On what?
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.
PIANIST: "OK, I'll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8."
SINGER: "That's crazy! I couldn't possibly do that!"
PIANIST: "You did last night . . . "
A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed.
So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: "How did you know that would work?"
"Simple," he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo."
What would you have to do to make a jazz musician feel bad about their playing?
Absolutely nothing.
#internationaljazzday
Justice jokes
17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes!
Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What’s the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good."
Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."
Writes and Wrongs
Teacher: "Your spelling is really improving, Henry, I only counted three mistakes."
Henry: "That's great!"
Teacher: "And now, let's check the second sentence."
Perform Under Pressure
I was in a job interview the other day and they asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "No, but I can perform Bohemian Rhapsody!"
