The best jokes (4096 to 4110)

An elderly couple who were chi

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled downin their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their oldschool. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where hehad carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured carpractically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know whatto do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & itsfifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it upin their attic.
The next day, two FBI men are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhoodlooking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find anymoney that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the agents sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from schoolyesterday ..."
At this, the FBI guy looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

A woman came up behind her hus

A woman came up behind her husband while he wasenjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on theback of the head. "I found a piece of paper in yourpant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it,"she said, furious. "You had better have anexplanation."
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember lastweek when I was at the dog track? That was the name ofthe dog I bet on."
The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smackedhim again.
"What was that for?" he complained.
"Your dog called last night."

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentlem...

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

Just like dad...

The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like Dad!"

Her mother replied, "So what you want from me, sympathy?"

Laying Turf

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."

A man has to leave the country...

A man has to leave the country on business and he entrusts with his best friend the job of keeping an eye on his wife. If anything out of the ordinary should occur, he was to be notified immediately.
After about a week of no news the business man received a telegram: "The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn't show up yesterday..."

When you cry nobody sees your tears

When you cry nobody sees your tears, When you are worried nobody sees your pain, When you are happy nobody sees your smile, But you fart just one time…OMG…

Try To Spell That Name

A traffic Policeman recently stopped a woman for exceeding the posted speed limit. He asked the driver her name.
She said, "I'm Mrs. Chadivaler Zuminskagia Ragretumunga from the Republic of Uzbetikan visiting my sister in Columbia."
As she finished speaking the cop paused for a moment and then put away his summons book and pen, and said, "Well... OK... but don't let me catch you speeding again."

Old Goat

The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"    

I don't run from my problems

I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like all the other adults.

A city slicker was driving thr...

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

Quick thinking...

One day, Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl. It's a po-leece roadblock. We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the labels and stick 'em on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talking, okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "Have you boys been drinking?"

"No sir," replied Earl. "We're on the patch!"

Hunting Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

A pious man who had reached th...

A pious man who had reached the age of 105 suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance the Rabbi went to see him.
He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"
The old man looked around and lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

Top ten signs your Amish teen is in trouble...

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full 'KISS' makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, 'Thou sucketh.'

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by 'Jeb Daddy.'

5. Defiantly says, 'If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap.'

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, 'Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening.'

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.