The best jokes (4096 to 4110)

A college pizza delivery boy a

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry.
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology."

News Correspondent: Why did yo

News Correspondent: Why did you flee from the police and start a dangerous car chase that caused multiple wrecks along the I-9 freeway?
Prisoner: Well you see ma'am, my buddy and me were talking and he runs a towing company. He said business had been really slow lately. He told me if I could wreck at least 15 cars he could get me free room and board, 3 free meals a day, and I wouldn't have to work another day in my life.

Hide & Seek Crisis

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide & seek...
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?

One Cup Every Morning

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...
The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!

Million Dollar Smile

I decided to make sure my wife had a smile on her face every morning...
Now I can’t keep sharpies in the house anymore.

Snow Days

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town.
When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
"I sure did, teacher," one little girl replied. "I just prayed for more snow."

Safety First

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped...
She keeps it in the trunk.

My First Shot

Took my first shot today! So excited, and my next one is in 2 weeks.
It was a hard choice with so many options.
I chose the tequila one.

Sea Monster Diet

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and Ships.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."    

May Joe R.I.P.

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."      

A Canadian customer was callin

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: "Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command."
Caller: "Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?"
Agent: "Well, you just press Control-A."
Caller (after a pause): "Well, that's not working for me."
Agent: "Do you have a text document open in front of you?"
Caller: "Yes, I sure do."
Agent: "OK, now press Control-A."
Caller: "I am, but nothing happens."
Agent: "The text isn't highlighted?"
Caller: "No, there's no change at all."
Agent: "That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening."
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): "Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?"

On Time for Church

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

Oral X-ray

What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth?
A tooth pic.

Out All Night and Every Night

"I want to divorce my wife."
"On what grounds?"
"She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."
"Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?"
"No, she is looking for me."