The best jokes (4216 to 4230)

Be My Valentine

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

Coffee Maker

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.

A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."

Teacher and student

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"

Six guys were playing poker wh...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

A woman was out golfing one da...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warrned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world, and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

On a train from London to Manchester

On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."

Playing house...

A couple of young children are at day care one day when one of the little girls approaches Tommy and says, "Hey, Tommy, wanna play house?"

"Sure! What do you want me to do?" he asks.

The little girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."

"Communicate my feelings?" questions a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means..."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday."
Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.

An elderly lady phoned her tel...

An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called -- and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found.....
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
.....Which goes to show that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning

God and Adam...

In the Beginning, God created Heaven and Earth and then He created man: God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, what do You want me to do?"

God said, "Go down into that valley."

And Adam said, "What's a valley?"

And God explained it to him. Then God said, "Cross the river."

And Adam said, "What's a river?"

And God explained to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill."

And Adam said, "What is a hill?"

And God explained that to him. Then He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave."

And Adam said, "What's a cave?"

And God explained that to him, then said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

And Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."

And Adam said, "How do I do that?"

So God explained to him.

So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave and found the woman, and in about fifteen minutes, Adam was back.

God patiently replied, as He always does, "Yes... how can I help you?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"

The only way down...

Two Roofers, Bob and Dan, were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over. Bob and Dan decided since it was early they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.

It was nearing 5 PM and they hadn't seen hide nor hair of anyone. So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.

Bob says, "It's the only way down. I will go first." Bob jumped.

Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, "Hey Bob! How deep did you go?"

Bob yells back, "I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!" Dan jumps and goes clear up to his neck in manure.

He says to Bob, "I thought when you jumped you went up to your ankles?"

Bob replies, "I did, but I landed head first!"

Sales Help

"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl. "But I don't know her size."

"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.

"Why yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."

"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.

"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs some lingerie."

Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"  

A guy took his blonde girlfrie

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants andall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they werekilling each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of thegame, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get thequarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Tom did like he always does, k

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed andfalling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed ina white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doingin my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and youare in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm tooyoung." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me backimmediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog ora hen. You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog istoo tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return asa hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chickenrun, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then alongcame the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does itfeel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all youcan."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again andsqueezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete'ssake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"