The best jokes (4231 to 4245)

Screwed

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how’s it going?"
She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says, "I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter."
He says, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer too. What law firm are you with?"  

A guy took his blonde girlfrie

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.They had great seats right behind their team's bench.After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants andall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they werekilling each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of thegame, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get thequarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

Tom did like he always does, k

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed andfalling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed ina white robe standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doingin my bedroom? ...... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and youare in heaven."
"WHAT!!? Are you saying, I'm dead? I don't want to die ..... I'm tooyoung." said Tom. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me backimmediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog ora hen. You can choose on your own"
Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog istoo tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return asa hen." Tom replied. In the next second, he found himself in a chickenrun, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow ........ then alongcame the rooster. "Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does itfeel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before?? Cluck twice, and then you push all youcan."
Tom clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Tom said "that felt really good!" So he clucked again andsqueezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout: "Tom, for Pete'ssake!!! Wake up ... you're ' crappin ' all over the bed!"

An Irish Girl comes back home...

An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?"
The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute."
"Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family."
"OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..."
"Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!"
"Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

The golf shot...

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity; looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit theblasted ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man-you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

A group of friends who went de

A group of friends who went deer hunting separated intopairs for the day. That night, one hunter returned alone, staggering undera hugh buck.
"Where's Harry?", asked another hunter.
"He fainted a couple miles up the trail,"
Harry's partner answered. "You left him lying there alone and carriedthe deer back?"
"It was a tough decision," said the hunter. "But I figuredno one is going to steal Harry."

Difference between hypothetical and reality

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”

The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”

The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”

The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”

The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”

The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”

The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”

He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”

The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”

A young guy goes to the Job Ce...

A young guy goes to the Job Center in Charleston, West Virginia, and sees a flyer advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he wants to learn more. "Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up a file and says, "The job entails getting ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off any hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $55 thousand, but you're going to have to go to Charlotte, North Carolina. That's about 250 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?" the young man asks.
"No, sir. That's where the end of the line is right now."

Name that bird...

Joe, a college student, was taking a course in ornithology, the study of birds. The night before the biggest test of the semester, Joe spent all night studying. He had the textbook nearly memorized. He knew his class notes backward and forward. Joe was ready.

The morning of the test, Joe entered the auditorium and took a seat in the front row. On the table in the front was a row of ten stuffed birds. Each bird had a sack covering its body, and only the legs were showing. When class started, the professor announced that the students were to identify each bird by looking at its legs and give its common name, species, habitat, mating habits, etc.

Joe looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He started to get angry. He had stayed up all night studying for this test and now he had to identify birds by their LEGS? The more he thought about the situation, the angrier he got.

Finally he reached his boiling point. He stood up, marched up to the professor's desk, crumpled up his exam paper and threw it on the desk. "What a ridiculous test!" he told the prof. "How could anyone tell the difference between these birds by looking at their legs? This exam is the biggest rip-off I've ever seen!"

With that, Joe turned and stormed toward the exit. The professor was a bit shocked, and it took him a moment to regain his composure. Then, just as Joe was about to walk out the door, the prof shouted out, "Wait a minute, young man, what's your name?"

Joe turned around, pulled up his pant legs and hollered, "You tell me, prof! You tell me!"

I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?
The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"
Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"
The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

Random Thoughts

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times,do they become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called 'Poles,'why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

Increase the donation

The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."

Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."

Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."

He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"

This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"

Last request...

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.

Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.

But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special.

When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard.

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like, is to sing my favorite song, the whole thing, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

Old hockey injury

Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. His co-worker, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.

Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. Just an old hockey injury that acts up once in awhile."

Josh said, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."

Andy replied, "No, I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on the Stanley Cup Play-offs. I put my foot through the television...."

Special childrens rate...

A little child was in church for the first time and watched as the ushers passed the offering plates.

When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster said in a little voice loud enough for everyone to hear:

"Don't pay for me, Daddy. I'm under five."