The best jokes (4231 to 4245)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4231 to 4245. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A man in a hot air balloon rea...
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.""You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded, "You must be in Management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
Two Aliens land in Detroit, ne...
Two Aliens land in Detroit, next to a Gas station. The Aliens waddle out of their ship and look around. The first thing they see that resembles a being is the Gas pump. The two Aliens approach.The first one says, "Earthling take me to your leader!" He gets no response.
The first Alien looks at his buddy then addresses the pump again, "Earthling, I said Take me to your leader!" Still no response.
The first Alien then turns to the second and says, "If this Earthling doesn't show me some respect I'm going to blast him!"
The second Alien replies, "O.K. but, I'm just going to stand down on the next block."
The first Alien looks a little puzzled, but waits for the other to waddle to the next block. He then addresses pump a third time,"Earthling take me to your leader!" No response.
The Alien then pulls out his ray-gun and shoots the pump...
After the explosion the Alien gets up, dusts himself off then goes down the block to his buddy.He then says to the second Alien, "If you knew that was going to happen why didn't you warn me?"
The second replies, "I didn't know what was going to happen, but I'm not going to mess with anyone who can hang his penis to the ground, wrap it around his body twice, and can still stick it in his ear!"
One day on the way home from w...
One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil-covered chocolate candy coins).There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones.
The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?"
The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son."
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!"
With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."
And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
Beautiful Daughter
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
If people are talking about yo...
If people are talking about you behind your back - then just fart. Late for Work
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
A man was sitting at a bar whe
A man was sitting at a bar when he noticed a pirate walk in the front door. The pirate had a peg leg,a hook for one hand, and a patch over one eye. Feeling sorry for the pirate, the man said,"Come over here friend. You look like you've had a hard life and I'd liketo buy you a drink." The pirate came over and ordered rum."Just out of curiosity," the man said, "how did you lose your leg?"
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that timber to a tiger shark in the Caribbean when I was thrown overboardfor stealing a man's rum."
"That's just terrible. How did you lose your hand?" the man said.
"Arrrgh!" said the pirate, "I lost that fighting cannibals offMadagascar under Admiral Hawk."
"Oh my!" the man said, "I can't even imagine!How did you lose your eye?"
"Arrrgh! A seagull pooped in it!" said the pirate.
"A seagull!" the man exclaimed. "Is seagull poop dangerous?!"
he asked. "Nay, matey, it was me first day with the hook..."
Learning From Teachers
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
Three hymns
A pastor explained to his congregation that the church was in need of some extra money, so he asked them to consider being more than generous. He offered that whoever gave the most would be able to pick three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed about the church, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had graciously offered a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly, saintly lady in the back of the church shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front, so she slowly she made her way towards him.
The pastor told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much, and in thanks he asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation. She pointed to the three most handsome men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
Business One-liners 70
If you cannot fix it, feature it.If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
Getting away from their high-s...
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
Morty and Saul, are out one af...
Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Saul the banker says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well." Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty is begins tugging Saultoward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.
Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"
Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money!"
