The best jokes (4261 to 4275)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4261 to 4275. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The Punch Bowl
My son asked me if a punch bowl is a place where you keep names of people you want to punch...
I usually keep them in my head but, keeping them in a fancy crystal bowl seems classy.
Crash and Burn
Two men got out of their cars after they collided at an intersection. One took a flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, maybe you'd like a nip to calm your nerves."
"Thanks," he said, and took a long pull from the container. "Here, you have one, too," he added, handing back the whiskey.
"Well, I'd rather not," said the first. "At least not until after the police have been here."
I've Learned My Lesson
I was driving home from work when I was pulled over for not wearing a seat belt. Three days later, I got the same ticket, at the same stop, from the same cop.
“So, have you learned anything?” asked the cop.
“Yes, I have,” I began. “I’ve learned it's time to find a new way home from work.”
Baptizing in the Spirit
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you’re prepared for it?”“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.”“I don’t mean that,” the deacon replied. “I mean, are you prepared spiritually?”“Oh sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”Why Easter Is Special
A group of four-year-olds were being questioned by their teacher in a Sunday School class. Looking across at those bright little faces, the teacher asked this question: "Does anyone know what today is?" A little girl held up her hand and said, "Yes, today is Palm Sunday." "That's fantastic!" the teacher said. "Now does anyone know what next Sunday is?" The sam little girl lifted her hand. "Yes," she said, "next Sunday is Easter Sunday."The teacher was all smiles. "Oh, very good. Now...does anyone know what makes next Sunday Easter?"On a roll the same little girl responded, "Yes, next Sunday is Easter because Jesus rose from the grave." Before the impressed teacher could congratulate her, however, the girl added, "but if He sees His shadow, He has to go back in for seven weeks."-
Banging
My bloody rude neighbour came over banging on the door at 2.00am last night.
.........Luckily I was still up playing my drums!!
Hat Tip > Roland
They Need Ideas
Frustrated, the teen storms into his sister's bedroom. "Why are adults are always asking us what we want to be when we grow up?"
Without hesitation the sister replies, "It's because they’re looking for ideas.”
Holiday Wedlock
"I married an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day."
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly!"
I Don't Have Time
My 5 year old daughter drew a nice picture of a princess and beautiful flowers and sunshine.
Then she brought the picture to her daddy and said, "Daddy, this is a picture of you and me, but I don't have time to draw you."
WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.
A grandfather is a man grandmother.
Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of money for us.
When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.
They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on "cracks."
They don't say, "Hurry up."
Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.
They wear glasses and funny underwear.
They can take their teeth and gums out.
Grandparents don't have to be smart.
They have to answer questions like "why isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?"
When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.
They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
A 6 year old was asked where his grandmother lived. ''Oh,'' he said, ''She lives at the airport and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we're we've done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.''
TIME
A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place.
“Yes?”
“Excuse me, sir,” the jogger said, “do you have the time?”
The man looked at the car clock and answered, “8:15″. The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger.
“Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?”
“8:25!”
The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, “I do not know the time!”
Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window.
“Sir, sir? It's 8:45!”
Carving Out Humor on Halloween
Contributed by The Florida Dude
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi.
