The best jokes (4591 to 4605)

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.
After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

Science News: Scientists annou...

Science News: Scientists announced today that they have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is known as the Wedding Cake.

Exit Interview

Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental

hospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and

ready to re-enter society.

"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I

see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.

Do you have any idea what you might do once you're

released?"

The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went

to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good

field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I

might write a book about my experience here in the hospital,

what it's like to be a patient here. People might be

interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I

thought I might go back to college and study art history,

which I've grown interested in lately."

Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like

intriguing possibilities."

The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare

time, I can go on being a teapot."

Everybody on earth dies ...

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

What do you do?

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.

"I'm a nurse."

"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.

"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

A blonde came home from school...

A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "I
can count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do
you think it is because I am a blonde?" Her mother replied, "Of
couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher
then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a
blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked
her mother, "I have bigger breasts then all the kids in my
class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because
you are eighteen years old."

Laurel and Hardy jokes-Dead or Alive?

One friend to another, “My new...

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

Get Me My Drink

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

Write this one down

Knock, knock

Who's there?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?

You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?

Nevermind, it's pointless.

School Collection 03

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!

Why did the teacher put the lights on?
Because the class was so dim!

A history joke
How did Vikings communicate?

By norse code!

A math joke
Teacher: How much is half of 8?
Pupil: Up and down or across?
Teacher: What do you mean?
Pupil: Well, up and down makes a 3 or across the middle leaves a 0!
A history joke
What is a forum?
Two-um plus two-um!

Short funny jokes-Hide cash

Trouble Sleeping

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

A laywoman was driving down...

A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"