The best jokes (4711 to 4725)

Sea Monster Diet

What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and Ships.

May Joe R.I.P.

Joe passed away. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend.
"Well, I'm sure Joe would be pleased," she said.
"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."
"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered. "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."
Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is it?!"

"Two and a half carats."      

A Canadian customer was callin

A Canadian customer was calling to find out if there was a faster way to trigger menu commands than mousing up to the menus.
Agent: "Certainly, sir. There are keyboard shortcuts for many of those commands. For example, suppose you want to trigger the Select All command."
Caller: "Yes, I use that one all the time! How do I do it?"
Agent: "Well, you just press Control-A."
Caller (after a pause): "Well, that's not working for me."
Agent: "Do you have a text document open in front of you?"
Caller: "Yes, I sure do."
Agent: "OK, now press Control-A."
Caller: "I am, but nothing happens."
Agent: "The text isn't highlighted?"
Caller: "No, there's no change at all."
Agent: "That's odd. If you press Control-A the whole document should be highlighted. Try it again. Press Control-A. Tell me exactly what's happening."
Caller (nearing his Canadian breaking point): "Listen. I'm pressing Control, eh? And nothing's happening, eh?"

A Dog's Life

A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded.
"He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food, and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture."

On Time for Church

A member of our church choir arrives every Sunday morning with her seven children in tow, all a bit rumpled but never the less on time.
Scarcely able to get my one child ready, I asked her how she managed her brood so efficiently.
"Easy," she replied with a smile. "I dress them the night before."

Oral X-ray

What did the dentist call the x-ray he took of your mouth?
A tooth pic.

Out All Night and Every Night

"I want to divorce my wife."
"On what grounds?"
"She is out all night, every night, going from bar to bar."
"Are you saying she's an alcoholic or do you think she's cheating?"
"No, she is looking for me."

Fertility Clinic

Hey, have you heard about the latest anonymous sperm bank being established by the State of Indiana?
It will be called "Hoosier Daddy!"

Favorite Childhood Memory

My favorite childhood memory is building sand castles with my grandfather...
Until my mother took the urn from me.

Competitive Salary

ME: What does "competitive salary" mean?
BOSS: It means your salary will be competing with your bills.

Blessing a Body…?

A newly ordained deacon was asked to hold a graveside service for someone with no family or friends. It was his first official assignment, so he eagerly agreed.Taking his duties very seriously, the deacon let early the next morning for the cemetery. However, he made several wrong turns and quickly got himself lost. When he finally arrived more than an hour late, the hearse was nowhere to be seen and the two workmen were eating lunch.The deacon got out of his car, quickly threw on his vestments, and hurried to the open grave. Looking into the pit, he saw that the vault lid was already in place. With a sign, he took out his prayer book and read the burial service. After he had left, one of the workmen said to the other, “Maybe we should have told him he just blessed a septic tank.”

A June Wedding

Judy: I’ve made such delicious plans for a June wedding, but my boyfriend keeps postponing things.
Jane: Like what?
Judy: Like the proposal!

It must be hard being colour-b

It must be hard being colour-blind. It's a purples-less existence.

A farmer goes to the bank to a

A farmer goes to the bank to ask for a loan. When the loan officer denies him credit the farmer's dog bites the officer. Then she turns around and bites one of the customers. The loan officer asks the farmer:
I understand why your dog bit me. But why did she bite the customer.
I don't know...probably to get the bad taste out of her mouth.

The Life of Henry Ford

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
It’s an autobiography.