The best jokes (4711 to 4725)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4711 to 4725. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A special celebration...
While enjoying an early morning breakfast in a northern Arizona cafe, four elderly ranchers were discussing everything from cattle, horses, and weather to how things used to be in the "good old days."
Eventually the conversation moved on to their spouses. One gentleman turned to the fellow on his right and asked, "Roy, aren't you and your bride celebrating your 50th wedding anniversary soon?"
"Yup, we sure are," Roy replied.
"Well, are you gonna do anything special to celebrate?" another man asked.
The old gentleman pondered this for a moment, then replied, "For our 25th anniversary, I took the misses to Tucson. For our 50th, I'm thinking about going down there again to pick her up."
Take Your Time
A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend's yard sale. 'My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale,' she said.
'I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,' her friend replied.
'Normally, yes,' she said. 'But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.'
The seven-year old girl told h...
The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor." "Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
Senior Guessing
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”
A lady noticed her husband sta...
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."
Clerk Tries To Get It On With A Pretty Girl
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per yard, ” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten yards.”
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. “Grandpa pay the man.”
This an interactive joke, so h...
This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy. A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-ten cap for my car." The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"
The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!" Perplexed,the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.
Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.
Three women go down to Mexico...
Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation. They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens. They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
Address Change
It was the usual day at our bank.
A woman came up to customer service and demanded, “What do I have to do to change the address on my account?”
Without looking up, I replied, “Move.”
Went to the doctor for my year
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.The nurse starts with certain basics.
How much do you weigh?' she asks. '135,' I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, 'Your height?'
'5 feet 4",' I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
'Of course it's high!' I scream, 'When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!'
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
They Both Looked Good
What do the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Titanic have in common?
They both looked good until they hit the ice!
"I think I have a problem, Doc
"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed.
Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too."
Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very resistant to the idea.
"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation.
After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it.
"You want to die?" asks the doctor.
"But...how do I pee?"
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again.
He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
"What?"
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says,
"Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"
History Repeats Itself
The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again?"
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the police but they wouldn't listen."
