The best jokes (4726 to 4740)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4726 to 4740. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A Talking Tree
A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.
"You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!"
The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
Baby Maybe
Saleswoman: "When this baby doll is put to bed, it goes to sleep just like a real baby."
Mrs. Williams: "Whoever made it didn't know much about real babies."
Fondue jokes
What's the reason you don't hear a lot of fondue jokes?
Most of the time, they're excessively cheesy.
International Jazz Day Jokes
April 30th is International Jazz Day! Check some related jokes:
St. Peter in Heaven is checking ID's. He asks a man, "What did you do on Earth?"
The man says, "I was a doctor."
St. Peter says, "Okay, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?"
"I was a school teacher."
"Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?"
"I was a musician."
"Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen….."
A jazz musician goes to the doctor to hear the results of a physical check up.
Doctor: I'm afraid I've got some bad news. You only have three weeks to live.
Musician: On what?
What's the difference between a rock guitarist and a jazz guitarist? The rock guitarist plays 3 chords for 1,000 people, the jazz guitarists plays 1,000 chords for 3 people.
PIANIST: "OK, I'll Remember April. First six bars in Ab. Bar 7 modulate down to F. Bar 12, back up to Ab but in 7/8."
SINGER: "That's crazy! I couldn't possibly do that!"
PIANIST: "You did last night . . . "
A couple goes to see a marriage counselor. They say their marriage is on the rocks because they never speak to each other.
The counselor tries to get them to talk, but they just sit there with their arms folded and their mouths closed.
So he pulls out his upright bass and starts taking a solo.
Instantly, the couple turns to each other and starts conversing for the first time in months.
Shocked by this, the couple asks the counselor: "How did you know that would work?"
"Simple," he says, "Everyone always talks during the bass solo."
What would you have to do to make a jazz musician feel bad about their playing?
Absolutely nothing.
#internationaljazzday
Police investigation
A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.
A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.
"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."
The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."
Axe jokes - to celebrate International Ax-Throwing Day
June the 13th is International Ax-Throwing Day! Check out some Axe jokes!
Why did the tree go to the barber?
Because it needed a trim and ax.
Why did the lumberjack break up with his girlfriend?
She had too many axes.
Why did the lumberjack become a musician?
He had a knack for chopping the charts, not just logs.
Why was the lumberjack at the computer?
He wanted to log in.
What does a tree say to an axe?
I'm falling for you.
Why did the axe go to school?
To become a little sharper.
How does an axe win a debate?
With cutting remarks.
Why did the axe go to the doctor?
It had a splitting head.
What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet?
An axe-ident.
What did the woodcutter say to the tree?
May I axe you something?
Do you hear about the lumberjack who lost his job today?
His manager just gave him the axe.
Why was the spreadsheet afraid of the chart?
Because it had multiple axes.
How can you tell that an axe thrower loves his assistant?
He always misses her.
What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?
A miner inconvenience.
What's the difference between being a lumberjack and any other job?
You get the axe when you’re hired not fired.
Where does a lumberjack buy his axes?
At the Chopping Maul.
I was really disappointed when the axe I bought to climb trees with ended up being useless.
It was a total anti-climb axe.
21 Bastille Day jokes
Bastille Day is the national day of France, which is celebrated on 14 July each year. Have fun with some revolutionary jokes!
What is the most important part of jokes about the French Revolution?
The execution.
Do you know that the French Revolution was kind of a pain in the neck?
But once it was over it was a weight off of some people’s shoulders.
What did the Aristocrat say when he heard the French Revolution happening in the streets?
"Oh! What a peasant surprise!"
Did you hear the one about Bastille Day?
It’s a riot.
Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?
They both got rid of Bourbon!
Why did King Louis despise the peasants?
He found them revolting.
What’s your funniest pickup line for Bastille Day?
"Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?
Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes!"
Have you ever seen the play about the French Revolution?
The scene with Marie Antoinette was perfectly executed.
Do you know that anyone can use our Bastille Day jokes?
It’s royalty free.
How do Americans celebrate Bastille Day?
By storming their wine cellar.
A kid was talking to his dad about Bastille Day. He said, "Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?
" "Bass-steal day".
What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!
Why is the rooster France’s national emblem?
It’s the only bird that still sings when it’s standing on a shit pile.
Have you heard about Bastille Day?
Its the last time the French showed any balls.
Why do French bakers always bake extra bread on Bastille Day?
Because they know everyone’s going to "storm" their bakery!/p>
What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French Revolution?
They put their head into it.
Why don’t they play cards in France on Bastille Day?
Because everyone’s afraid of the "revolutionary" hand!
During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catchphrase?
"First come, first severed!"
Why are fireworks set off on Bastille Day?
It’s the only way to make a louder bang than the one made when they stormed the Bastille!
What is the difference between Bastille Day and the 4th Of July?
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and Americans don’t care about it!
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
One more set of Thanksgiving jokes - new from 2023
Why is Thanksgiving a great holiday for gossip?Because the best part are the side dishes.
Why do turkeys love R-rated movies?
Because they use fowl language.
If pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
Scholar ships.
Why are Thanksgiving and Halloween similar?
They both have gobble-ins.
Check more of New Thanksgiving jokes from 2023.
How many pastry chefs does it take to make a pie??
3.14.
What are turkeys most thankful for on Thanksgiving?
Vegans.
What do Thanksgiving turkeys become after they die?
Poultrygeists.
What's Inside a Genie's Turkey?
Wishbones.
What did pilgrims use to make cookies?
May Flour!
Check out our collection of new (and old) Thanksgiving jokes.
Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey at Thanksgiving?
Because they couldn't get the moose in the oven!
Why are Thanksgiving bread jokes always funny?
Because they never get mold.
What did Dad say when he was asked to say grace?
“Grace.”
What did the Thanksgiving turkey say to the Christmas ham?
Nice to meat you.
Why don’t side dishes tell jokes?
They’re too corny.
What do you call a sad cranberry?
A blueberry.
What’s the best way to keep a turkey in suspense?
You’ll find out at Thanksgiving dinner!
What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
Need more Thanksgiving jokes? There some Thanksgiving jokes that were new not so long ago Thanksgiving jokes that were new recently
Everyone Is Playing Golf
An office employee knowing his boss was off for the day transferred the office telephone to his own cell phone and took it with him to play golf.
The boss called and asked how everything was going and the employee said fine.
The boss then said, "Move a little faster then, will you, I'm in the foursome behind you."
Learned this one in elementary school and I still tell it
I have no idea how I know this joke.Two aliens in their flying saucer land near an abandoned gas station in the desert. They get out and walk up to one of the gas pumps. The captain alien points his ray gun at a gas pump and says, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The captain alien repeats, "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The ensign alien says, "Hey, man. This seems like a bad idea. We should go."
The captain alien replies, "Shut up. I'm in charge here. Take me to your leader."
The gas pump says nothing.
The ensign alien repeats, "Dude, this is a really bad idea. These guys are bad news. We should go."
Again, the captain alien replies, "Shut up. What do you know? Last chance! Take me to your leader!"
The gas pump says nothing.
Finally, the captain alien says, "That's it!" and shoots the gas pump.
The entire station explodes, throwing the two aliens 50 yards away.
As they're picking themselves up out of the dirt, the captain alien says to the ensign, "How? How did you know those guys were bad news?"
The ensign alien replies, "I've been all over this galaxy and I've learned one fundamental truth: if you meet a creature who can wrap its dick around its waist and hang it in its ear, you leave it alone."
That Wasn't the Tooth
Victim: "Hey, that wasn't the tooth I wanted pulled!"
Dentist: "Calm yourself, I'm coming to it."
It's A Crying Shame
After successfully getting their big line items approved in the congressional spending package, two lobbyists were celebrating at a Washington restaurant.
“You know,” mused one, “it’s a crying shame our grandchildren and great-grandchildren haven’t been born yet so they can see the terrific things the government‘s doing with their money."
Artist Girlfriend
Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.
I gave her a shoulder to crayon.
