The best jokes (4771 to 4785)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4771 to 4785. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A blonde went into a world wid...
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. "Come in and close the door" the man said. She did. He then said "Now get on your knees". She did. "Now take down my zipper". She did. "Now go ahead take it out....." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands... then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well... go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, she said...
"HELLO MOM... CAN YOU HEAR ME?"
Request Before Death
A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.
"Have you any last requests? asked the chaplain.
"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"
Old lover
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.
All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".
Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"
Submitted by axelwang
Edited by Curtis
A man sat down and was serious...
A man sat down and was seriously staring at the marriage certificate, after a long time his wife asked, “What are you looking for? He replied, “The expiration date.”Women pleasing dog
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders two glasses of whiskey. He proposes a toast and both he and his dog empty their glasses. The girl behind the bar is surprised and asks, 'Can your dog perform other tricks?'.
'But of course', the man answers, 'he can even gratify a woman'.
Anxious to know more the girl leads the man and the dog into a little room above the bar. She undresses and full of expectation she lies down on the bed.
The dog looks at her and does nothing.
'It's always the same thing with you!', the man then shouts at the dog, 'Ok, I'll show you how to do this one last time'.
An act of kindness....
A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"
After a long illness, a woman ...
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her - "Hello!" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
Little Johnny... Nickels and Dimes
Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Dont you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickels bigger?
Johnny grins and says, Well, if I took the dime, theyd stop doing it, and so far Ive made $20!
There was a very gracious lady...
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country."Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
Vatican Fried Chicken
During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.
At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."
Patton Oswalt: Makeover Shows
All these shows like I Want a Famous Face and The Swan -- basically what that is, is people go on national TV, and they tell America, I dont like how I look. Im so against growing an original personality or developing charm, Id rather have someone take a knife to my skull. 
