The best jokes (5116 to 5130)

I Don't Want Any Kids

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids...
When I got home, they were still there.

Why the Croutons

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Directions

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Cat Scan

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Seven days to live

Doctor: "I've got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live."

Patient: "What could be worse news than that?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."

Check My Balance

I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad...
But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .
She leaned over and pushed me!

A motorist was driving down th

A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow.
He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came back to life, he looked around and said, "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God! I have killed the motorist!!!"

Totally Worn Out

Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?
They have just endured a March of 31 days!

Heart Chaser

The pretty lady at the DMV recommended to me that I sign up to be an organ donor....
That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!

Soda Machine

One day a blonde went up to a soda machine, put in some money, and a soda came out. She got really excited and started to put more money into the machine. The more and more she did it, the more the soda came out.

After a while someone walked up to her and asked if they could please get a soda.

The blonde looked at them angrily and said: "Get out of my face, I'm winning!"

In All Shapes and Sizes

Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes...
Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings.

An Audience With the Pope

A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape.""And what's the bad news?" asks the man."You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.

Three Men

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men.
He said he couldn't increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he'd fire them.

Dentistry At It's Best

Patient: It must be tough spending all day with your hands inside someone's mouth?
Dentist: I prefer to think of it as having my hands inside their wallet.

Spelling Lesson

Little Johnny wasn't very good at spelling. During an oral spelling exam, the teacher wrote the word "new" on the blackboard.
"Now," she asked Johnny, "what word would we have if we placed a 'K' in the front?"
After a moment's reflection, Johnny said, "Canoe?"