The best jokes (5101 to 5115)

Good are you at PowerPoint?

- Boss: "How good are you at PowerPoint?"

- Me: "I Excel at it."

- Boss: "Was that a Microsoft Office pun?"

Me: "Word"

Not So Long Ago...

A window was a pane of glass you always had to clean. And a hacker had a lousy swing and could never hit the green.
Meg was the name of a girlfriend and a Gig was played on stage.
Memory was what our elders lost in their golden age.
An application was for employment and a program was a show.
A cursor used to cuss a lot and mail didn't seem that slow.
A CD was for money in a long term bank account. And if you had a floppy you hoped that nobody ever found out.
Compress was something you did to garbage not something you did to a file. And if you unzipped in public you'd be in jail a while.
A keyboard was on a piano, a hard drive was down a long road.
A mouse pad was where Mighty Mouse lived and a backup involved a commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife, paste you did with glue.
A web was what a spider wove and a virus meant the flu.
Nobody gets killed in a computer crash but some would've rather been dead, I guess I'll stick to pen and paper and the memory still in my head.
If I could ever go back in time and start all over again, I'd make sure that I grew up as Bill Gate's closest friend.

Donkey IQ

A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though...
Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass!

Quick Believer

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air, then opened its mouth to swallow both.
As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"Come on God, give me a break!!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!

A drunk man got on to a bus la

A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.
She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A man and his girlfriend are h

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."

Breaking Up

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.

Some guy called me a tool.

Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.

Handy Man 'To Do' List

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

True Love

Boyfriend: Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.
Girlfriend: Oh dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?

I Don't Want Any Kids

I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids...
When I got home, they were still there.

Why the Croutons

Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Directions

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."

Cat Scan

A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.

"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."

Seven days to live

Doctor: "I've got some bad news and some really bad news. The bad news is you only have a week to live."

Patient: "What could be worse news than that?"

Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you for the last 6 days."