The best jokes (5221 to 5235)

Rules

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.
"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"
His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."

A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

A circus owner walked into a b...

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "Did you light the candle under the pot?"

For months the archaeologists ...

For months the archaeologists had been tolling deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and rampant, choking undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s extraordinary purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. It had to be .... a golf course! Any doubt was dispelled by the discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters.

Next step was to interrogate local Indian tribesmen about traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. And yes, the tribes did have legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls, until routed by tragedy. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. "If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it vanish for centuries before rediscovery."

The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. "Simple," was the translation, "they couldn`t afford the green fees."

A man walks up to a cashier in...

A man walks up to a cashier in a grocery store. He says, "Hey, how much for these jalapeño peppers?" He pronounces it "jo-la-pen-o", not "ho-lo-peen-yo".
The cashier says, "Sir, that's not what those peppers are called."
The man replies, "Listen, buddy, this is America, and I can pronounce any word the way I please." The cashier responds, "That is as may be, sir, but those are green peppers."

Who Shot the Big Buck?

Three friends decided to go hunting together. One was a lawyer, one a doctor, and the other a preacher. As they were walking, along came a big buck. The three of them shot at the same time and the buck dropped immediately. The hunting party rushed to see how big it actually was. Upon reaching the fallen deer, they found out that it was dead but had only one bullet hole.
A debate followed concerning whose buck it was. When a game warden came by, he offered to help. A few moments later, he had the answer.
He said with much confidence, "The pastor shot the buck!" The friends were amazed that he could determine that so quickly and with so little examination. The game warden just smiled. "It was easy to figure out. The bullet went in one ear and out the other."
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Ron White: Calling Home From the Road

I call her. She tells me my dog, Sluggo, just took a dump on the new carpet. Im like, Shoot him. She goes, Thats just like you, Ron. I have a genuine problem, and youre being sarcastic. Alright, honey, Im sorry. Put the dog on the phone. Ill talk to him.

The Minister and the Taxi Driver

A minister has just died and is standing in line waiting to be judged and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. The man says, "I am a taxi driver from New York City."

The angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses, and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel who hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water.

The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results—all of your people sleep through your sermons—in his taxi, they pray."

Rich is better

I've been rich and I've been poor... Believe me, rich is better!

The only person in our town wh...

The only person in our town who can afford to go on a jaguar is a zoo-keeper.

The End Is Near

Fred and Luke were fishing on the side of the road. They made a sign saying:

THE END IS NEAR! TURN YOURSELF AROUND
NOW BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!

…and showed it to each passing car.

One driver that passed didn't appreciate the sign and shouted out his window, “Leave me alone you nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash.

Fred turned to Luke, “do you think we should just put up a sign that says: ‘Bridge Out Ahead' instead?”

John received a free ticket to...

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium. He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it? The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

A magician was working on a cr...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

Three doctors

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the Pearly Gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates. The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of an HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven...but only for 2 days."

Two Iranians met in California

Two Iranians met in California. One started to greet the other in the language of their mother country.
The other Iranian motioned for him to stop and said, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish!"