The best jokes (526 to 540)

What Do You Have?

Teacher: "Johnny, if you have $20 in one pant pocket, and $35 in the other pant pocket, what do you have?"
Johnny: "That's easy, I have someone else's pants!"

This is a classic Cajun joke...

This is a classic Cajun joke. A pirogue is a shallow flat bottom boat common in Louisiana.

Ol’ Thibodeaux was sitting on his porch one day lookin over da bayou, when he spied ol’ Boudreaux comin by in his pirogue. He said, “Boudreaux, what you got in dat boat wit you?”

Boudreaux said, “I got me some duck tape.”

“Where you going wit dat duck tape?” asked Thibodeaux.

Boudreaux said, “I’m going down to da marsh.”

“What you gonna do with duck tape in da marsh?

“I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

“Now, hold on, Thibodeaux, you can’t catch with no ducks with no duck tape.”

“Well you watch me.” says Boudreaux, and he goes on by.

A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back from da marsh with a big pile of ducks in his pirogue, and he just waves at Thibodeaux.

Da next day, Boudreaux passes again, and dis time, he’s got a box of nutra-sweet in the pirogue. Thibodeaux says, “Boudreaux, where you going wit dat nutra-sweet?”

Boudreaux says, “I’m going down to da marsh to catch me some nutria rats.”

“Now hold on, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “You can’t catch Nutria rats with Nutra sweet.”

“Well you watch me.” says Broudreaux, and he goes on his way.

A few hours later, Boudreaux comes back, and he has a big pile of Nutria rats in his bayou. He just waves as he passes Thibodeaux.

The next day, Boudreaux is passing by Thibodreaux again, and Thibodeaux says, “Hey Boudreaux, where you going today?”

Boudreaux says, “I’m going into town.”

“Well what you got in dat boat with you?”

Boudreaux answers, “I got me some pussy willows.”

“Now hold, Boudreaux.” says Thibodeaux. “I’ll get my hat and go wit you.”

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years...

I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed.

I told him “bro, you were there!”

My therapist said to write letters to people ...

My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.

I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Elephant With A Skunk

What do you get when cross an elephant and a skunk?
A smell that you will never forget.

Bowling again!

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed.

So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

A teacher was wrapping up clas

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking abouttomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for notshowing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or animmediate family member's death.
One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexualexhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at thestudent, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other handto write."

My Super Ex-Wife

My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.
She thought she was God.
I disagreed.

Doctor....

One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all."

The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, "Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!"

The doctor replied, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"

Blarney stone...

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

A couple of jokes about marriage...

A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

If my memory was any worse

Is swear if my memory was any worse i could plan my own surprise party.

The Sign

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"       

The new baby

A young mother finds out she is pregnant again, and she tells the good news to anyone who will listen. One day when the woman and the boy are out shopping, a friend of the mother asks the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.

"Oh, yes!" the little tyke says. And having overheard some of his parents' private conversations, he adds, "And I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call it Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it Quits."

Faith

Two nuns were driving down a country road when they ran out of gas. They walked to a farmhouse and a farmer gave them some gasoline; but the only container he had was an old bedpan. The nuns were happy to take whatever they were offered and returned to their car. As they were pouring the gasoline from the bedpan into the tank of their car, a minister drove by. He stopped, rolled down his window and said, "Excuse me, sisters. I'm not of your religion, but I couldn't help admiring your faith....!"