The best jokes (526 to 540)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 526 to 540. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Wife Is Being Unfaithful
How can you tell if your wife is being unfaithful?
You move from Chicago to Seattle and you still have the same mailman.
I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years...
I went to the dentist for the first time in 5 years. The dentist asked me when I last flossed. I told him “bro, you were there!”
My therapist said to write letters to people ...
My therapist said to write letters to people I hate and then burn them.I did that but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
A teacher was wrapping up clas
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking abouttomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for notshowing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or animmediate family member's death.One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexualexhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at thestudent, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other handto write."
My Super Ex-Wife
My ex-wife and I could not reconcile our marriage because of religious differences.She thought she was God.
I disagreed.
Doctor....
One day an old lady walked into the doctor's office and was shown into a room. When the doctor came in and asked what the problem was, she answered, "I have awful gas, but it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent and doesn't smell at all."
The doctor, after examining her thoroughly, gave her some pills and told her to take one everyday and come back in a week. The lady returned, and when the doctor asked if her problem was any better she replied, "Well I don't know what you gave me, but now my gas smells terrible!"
The doctor replied, "Well, now that we've got your sinuses cleared up let's work on your hearing!"
Blarney stone...
A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"he guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
A couple of jokes about marriage...
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Husband wanted'. Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'A little boy asked his father, 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?' And the father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
If my memory was any worse
Is swear if my memory was any worse i could plan my own surprise party. What causes it?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
A little hard of hearing!
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the Dr. saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the Dr. talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Gone to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Gimme all your money
A man was walking down a street in Washington. A man walking behind him suddenly pulled out a gun and said, "Gimme all your money, now!"
The victim said, "You can't do this to me! I'm a Congressman!"
The robber thought for a moment, then said, "In that case, gimme all of MY money!"
Work or play...
A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin. The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?" So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him. Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
