The best jokes (5266 to 5280)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5266 to 5280. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Words of wisdom...
Always wanted to be a procrastinator, but never got around to it.My friend has kleptomania, but when it gets bad, he takes something for it.
Never be afraid to try something new, Remember amateurs built the ark - Professionals built the Titanic.
Love is grand - divorce is a hundred grand.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common, they should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
One of life's mysteries - How can a two pound box of candy make a person gain five pounds.
Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
Funny sayings
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
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Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
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Baseball is wrong:man with four balls cannot walk.
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War does not determine who is right, war determines who is left.
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Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
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Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
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It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
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Man who drive like hell, bound to get there..
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Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
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Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
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Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
How to avoid a parking ticket
How to avoid a parking ticket in NYC? Da fine intervention.News Bulletin – London – July 4, 2017
QUEEN OFFERS TO RESTORE BRITISH RULE OVER UNITED STATES
In an unexpected televised address on Saturday, Queen Elizabeth II offered to restore British rule over the United States of America. Addressing the American people from her office in Buckingham Palace, the Queen said that she was making the offer “in recognition of the desperate situation you now find yourselves in.”
“This two-hundred-and-forty-year experiment in self-rule began with the best of intentions, but I think we can all agree that it didn’t end well,” she said. The Queen urged Americans to write in her name on Election Day, after which the transition to British rule could begin “with a minimum of bother.”
Elizabeth acknowledged that, in the wake of Brexit, Americans might justifiably be alarmed about being governed by the British parliamentary system, but she reassured them, “Parliament would play no role in this deal. This would be an old-school monarchy. Just me, and then, assuming you’d rather not have Charles, we could go straight to William and those children of his who have mesmerized you so.”
Using the closing moments of her speech to tout her credentials, the Queen made it clear that she has never used e-mail and has only had sex with one person “very occasionally.”
Just in - The Above is Fake News - Following is the actual full text
In the light of your failure to govern yourselves with dignity, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) has appointed former PM Tony Blair as minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium'. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'. There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize'.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is 'Devon'. If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become 'shires' e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Red Dwarf' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen', but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American 'football'. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American 'football' is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2018. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. 'Merde' is French for 'Shit'. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive Day'.
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps'. Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer', and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager'. The substances formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Knat's Urine', with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine'. This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 1st the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will be permitted to keep calling it until July 10 2017) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (- get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your cooperation.
From: Chief of Operations
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From: Chief of OperationsSubject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
A tough U.S. Marine sergeant g
A tough U.S. Marine sergeant got word that the father of one of his men had passed away. At roll call he snapped, "Hey, Smith, your father died!" The Marine fainted on the spot.A week later the sister of another Marine died, and the sergeant once again called his men together. "Jones," he yelled out, "your sister died last night!" The Marine burst into tears.
Finally, word got back to the general about the sergeant's insensitivity, and he was called on the carpet and told to be less direct and gruff when one of his men suffered a tragedy.
A week later the sergeant was notified that Private Miller had just lost his mother.
Remembering what the general had said, he lined up his troop and ordered "Everyone whose mother is alive, please take one step forward - not so fast, Miller!"
Communication Chain
When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at 'Mom' and pushed send.
His mother answered, and I told her what happened.
'Don't worry,' she said, 'I'll take care of it.'
A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was 'Mom.'
'Martin,' she said, 'you left your cell phone at the convenience store.'
In primitive society, when nat
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground withclubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilizedsociety, it is called golf.Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight andnot too often.
There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons,practice constantly -- or start cheating.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice -once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannotcount, criticize or laugh.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are thosein front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, playeighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words weretaken.
Three explorers became lost in
Three explorers became lost in the jungle and wandered for dayswith no food and little water...One day, just as they were finally about to give up, theycrawled into a clearing and there right in front of them stood aCannibal's Restaurant.
Out front near the entrance was a large menu board. With thelittle energy they had left, they dragged themselves across theclearing and looked up to see the following menu:
"Par boiled Priest $12.00
Roast Lion Hunter $14.00
Steamed Politician $198.50"
They struggled into the establishment, dragged themselves to atable, and a waiter came to take their order. Before they ordered,one of the explorers asked the waiter, "Can you help me understandyour menu? The first two items are priced about the same, but the thirditem, the politician, is priced so much higher. Why is that?"
"Are you kidding?" replied the waiter. "Did you ever try toCLEAN one of those suckers?"
Cooking class...
One day during cooking class, the teacher, Mrs. Jones, was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Now don't forget to use wooden spoons."
As I stirred my sauce, I contempleted the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Jones to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?" I asked.
"Because, she replied, "if I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots, I'd go nuts!"
Power Outage
During a recent power outage my PC, Laptop, TV, DVD, IPAD, and a new surround sound system were all shut down. Also, my cell phone battery was dead. To make matters worse it was raining and I couldn't play golf.
So I go to the kitchen to make coffee, OOPS, the coffee maker requires power,
so I sit down and talked to my wife for a couple of hours.
You know, she seems like a nice person.
A Penny for Your Thoughts
One night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby’s crib. Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, even skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. “A penny for your thoughts,” she said.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $67.50.”
