The best jokes (5326 to 5340)

I Used the Dog's Shampoo

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning...
Now I feel like a good boy.

You Might Be a Cop if... You Might Be a Cop if...
1. People shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
2. Your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
3. You disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
4. You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
5. You believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
6. When you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
7. You want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
8. You call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
9. You believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
10. You walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

#joke #food #drinks #beer

A New Typeface

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins...
I call it 'Baptismal Font.'

How I Felt

After a long time, I told my hot coworker how I felt.
She felt the same way.
So I turned on the air conditioner.

The woman was happily showing

The woman was happily showing off her new mink coat. "It was nice of your husband to buy you that fur coat," said a friend.
"He had to," explained the woman. "I caught him kissing the maid."
"Oh, how dreadful," replied the friend,sympathetically. "Well, did you fire her?"
At this, the woman smiled and replied, "Oh no no... you see, I still need a new hat."

As a woman was about to go hom

As a woman was about to go home from a long and stressful day at the office, her cell phone rang. It was her husband.
"Will you be joining me in the whirlpool bath tonight?" he asked.
"What a lovely way to spend an evening," she thought.
She was about to tell him how considerate he was when he continued, "because if you're not, I need to start adding more water to the tub."

Award Winner

My dentist was voted "Dentist Of The Year"....
He didn't get a trophy, they just gave him a little plaque.

Car or Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"  

The REAL College Plan

College is really just kidnapping done backwards...
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back!

A grade school teacher was ins

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

Three old ladies are sitting o

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke.
But the third old lady can't reach that far.

Coffee Tastes Like Mud

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Back to Back

Last night, my wife and I watched two movies back to back.
Fortunately for me, I was the one who was facing the television.

Fulfilling A Fantasy

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...
That we have health insurance.

He was in ecstasy, with a huge

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the freaking car! You do it, you smug bastard!"