The best jokes (5341 to 5355)

The Bible Leaf

A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination. He looked at the old pages as he turned them. The Bible had belonged to his grandmother. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "I think it's Adam's suit.."...

A timeless lesson on how consu

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization...
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?"
"See," he continued,"by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
"After you get it out, how do you put it back?" I asked.
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

 Answering Machine Message 196

We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.

A boy asks his father to expla

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.
His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?"
"No! There's no one called Alf here," says the person who answered the phone.
His father hangs up. "That's irritation," he says.
He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. "No-there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police," the person says.
His father hangs up and says, "That's aggravation."
"Then what's frustration?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.
"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" he asks casually.

During late spring one year, a

During late spring one year, a blonde was trying out her new boat. She was unable to have her boat perform, travel through water, or do any maneuvers whatsoever no matter how hard she tried.
After trying for over three days to make it work properly, she decided to seek help. She putted the boat over to the local marina in hopes that someone there could identify her problem.
Workers determined that everything from the engine to the outdrive was working perfectly on the topside of the boat. So, a puzzled marina employee jumped into the water to check underneath the boat for problems. Because he was laughing so hard, he came up choking on water and gasping for air: under the boat, still strapped in place securely, was the trailer.

The five stages of drunkenn

The five stages of drunkenness
Stage 1 - Smart:
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject. You know all and greatly wish to express this knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are also always right. And of course the person you are talking with is very wrong. You will talk for hours trying to convince someone that you are right. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are "smart". Two people talking, in fact, arguing about a subject neither one really knows anything about, but are convinced that they are the complete authority on the subject makes for great entertainment for those get the opportunity to listen in.
Stage 2 - Handsome/Pretty:
This is when you are convinced that you are the best looking person in the entire room and everyone is looking at you. You begin to wink at perfect strangers and ask them to dance because of course they had been admiring you the whole evening. You are the center of attention, and all eyes are directed at you because you are the most beautiful thing on the face of the earth. Now keep in mind that you are still smart, so you can talk to this person who has been admiring you about any and all subjects under the sun.
Stage 3 - Rich:
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar and put it on your bill because you surely have an armored truck full of your money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets in this stage. Now of course you still know all, so you will always win all your bets. And you have no concern for how much money you bet because you have all the money in the world. You will also begin to buy drinks for all the people in the bar who are admiring you because you are now the smartest, prettiest, and richest person on the face of the earth.
Stage 4 - Bulletproof:
You can now pick fights with the people you have been betting money with because you cannot be hurt by anything. At this point you would go up to the boyfriend of the woman who had been admiring your beautiful self all evening and challenge him to a battle of wits for money. You have no worry about losing this battle of wits because you know all, have all the money to cover this bet, and you obviously win a fight that might erupt if he loses.
Stage 5 - Invisible:
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do absolutely anything because no one can see you. You can get up and dance on a table, to impress the people who have been admiring you all evening, because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person whom you have picked a fight with earlier in the evening. You can walk through the streets singing at the top of your lungs (because of course you are still smart and know the tune perfectly) and no one will think anything of it because they can't see you. All your social inhibitions are gone. You can do anything, because no one will know. And you certainly won't remember.

 Fishing On The Lake

A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.
The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.
"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

Think She Misses Me?

My ex-wife was on vacation in New Orleans and sent me a picture of one of the famous cemeteries with the graves above ground...
The caption read: "WISH YOU WERE HERE!"

Letter to Grandma

"Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to?"
"Yes, Mom."
"Your handwriting seems very large, why is that?"
"Well, Grandma can't hear well, so I'm writing very loudly."

A guy walks into a brothel and

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants six girls for the evening. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.
A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like six girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000.
Confused the man asks, "I don't understand, on Tuesday it was free."
"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on cable."

High Holidays Seating Request Form

During the last Yom Kippur High Holiday, many individuals expressed concern over the seating arrangements in the synagogue. In order for us to place you in a seat which will best suit you, we ask you to complete the following questionnaire and return it to the synagogue office as soon as possible.

1. I would prefer to sit in the... (Check one:)
   ___ Talking section
   ___ No talking section
2. If talking, which category do you prefer?
   (Indicate order of interest:)
   ___ Stock market
   ___ Sports
   ___ Medicine
   ___ General gossip
   ___ Specific gossip (choose from below:)
   ___ The rabbi
   ___ The cantor
   ___ The cantor's voice
   ___ The cantor's significant other
   ___ The rabbi�s significant other
   ___ Fashion news
   ___ What others are wearing
   ___ Why they look awful
   ___ My neighbors
   ___ My relatives
   ___ My neighbors' relatives
   ___ Presidential Election, results from
   ___ Who is cheating on/having an affair with whom
   ___ My children/grandchildren
   ___ Other:_______________________________
3. Which of the following would you like to be near for free professional advice?
   __ Doctor
   __ Dentist
   __ Nutritionist
   __ Psychiatrist
   __ Child psychiatrist
   __ Podiatrist
   __ Chiropractor
   __ Stockbroker
   __ Accountant
   __ Lawyer, General Practice
   __ Criminal Lawyer
   __ Civil Lawyer
   __ Real estate agent
   __ Architect
   __ Plumber
   __ Buyer (Specify store:_____________ )
   __ Sexologist  (??)
   __ Golf pro [tentative; we're still trying to find a Jewish One]
   __ Other:____________________________
4. I want a seat located (Indicate order of priority:)
   __ On the aisle
   __ Near the exit
   __ Near the window
   __ In Aruba
   __ Near the bathroom
   __ Near my in-laws
   __ As far away from my in-laws as possible
   __ As far away from my ex-in-laws as possible
   __ Near the pulpit
   __ Near single men
   __ Near available women
   __ Where no one on the bimah can see/hear me talking during services
   __ Where no one will notice me sleeping during services
   __ Where I can sleep during the rabbi's sermon [additional charge]
   __ Where I can text from my iPhone (SHHHH)
5. (Orthodox only.) I would like a seat where:
   __ I can see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I cannot see my spouse over the mechitza
   __ I can see my friend's spouse over the mechitza
   __ My spouse cannot see me looking at my friend's spouse over the mechitza
6. Please do not place me anywhere near the following people:
   (Limit of six; if you require more space, you may wish to consider joining another congregation.)
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________
   _________________________

Your name:_________________________________
Building fund pledge (acknowledging and in grateful appreciation for
this change): $________________________

Furniture store

A furniture store keeps calling me

All I wanted was one night stand

Photo by Di_An_h on Unsplash

 Real News Headlines 09

These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Bible church's focus is the Bible: Saint Augustine Record, Florida, December 3, 1994
Clinton pledges restraint in use of nuclear weapons: Cedar Rapids Gazette, April 6
Discoveries: Older blacks have edge in longevity: The Chicago Tribune, March 5
Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear: Journal of Commerce, April 20
Biting nails can be sign of tenseness in a person: The Daily Gazette of Schenectady, New York, May 2
Lack of brains hinders research: The Columbus Dispatch, April 16
How we feel about ourselves is the core of self-esteem, says author Louise Hart: Boulder, Colorado, Sunday Camera, February 5
Fish lurk in streams: Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle, January 29

Evils of alcohol

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

The Speed of Light

My brain travels at the speed of light...
One second it’s here and the next it’s 186,000 miles away.