The best jokes (5416 to 5430)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5416 to 5430. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The old man and the priest...
An old man from way out in the boondocks made it to new York and got on the subway. He sat down next to a younger man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar, so he asked the man, "Excuse me, sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"
The young man smiled kindly and answered, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
The old man thought a second and responded, "Sir, I am also a father, but I wear my collar frontways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a minute, and said, "I am the Father for many."
The old man quickly answered, "I too am the father of many. I have six sons, five daughters and many grandchildren. But I wear my collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently,
"Sir, I am the Father for hundreds and hundreds of people."
The old man, taken aback, sat silently for a long time. As he got up to leave the subway car, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people
@birbigs
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people.
I should write it.
http://on.cc.com/16GHqVB
The Lumberyard
Have you heard about the guys who drove their pickup truck into a lumberyard? One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."
"You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said.
"Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck.
"Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later.
"Alright. How long do you need them?"
The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check."
After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."
I'd tell you a chem...
“I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.”
Did you ever wonder...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
St. Peter and the Blonde
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up. He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."
When you cry nobody sees your tears
When you cry nobody sees your tears, When you are worried nobody sees your pain, When you are happy nobody sees your smile, But you fart just one time…OMG… Old Goat
The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner.
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
A mother's dictionary
Bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am too.Defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.
Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
Look out: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.
Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.
Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.
Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.
Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: Able to whine in words
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into 'get a sponge.'
Golfing with ...
Three gentlemen are golfing one sunny day. They come to a difficult par with a water trap just after the tee. The first golfer proceeds to hit his ball right into the water. To retrieve it, he simply approaches the body of water and extends his golf club. The water parts, he takes his next shot and it lands on the green. The second golfer hits his ball towards the water, but rather than sink, the ball floats on top of the water. The golfer nonchalantly walks across the water and hits the ball onto the green.
The third golfer hits his the ball directly into the water, where it quickly starts to sink. As the ball sinks, a fish grabs the ball in its mouth. At that very moment, a hawk plucks the fish out of the water and begins to carry it aloft. As the bird soars higher, a bolt of lightning startles the bird, which then drops the fish into a nearby tree. When the fish hits a branch of the tree, the ball pops out, rolls down the trunk of the tree, across the green and right into the hole...
Moses turns to Jesus and says "You know, I hate golfing with your Father."
One day as Monica Lewinsky was
One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senatetrial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up onshore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and beholda genie popped out."Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me,I will grant you one wish."
"Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while,and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these lovehandles."
"Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff ofsmoke...
And her ears promptly fell off.
Deep Thoughts
1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. 2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.
4. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.
5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
6. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?
8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
13. Bad decisions make good stories.
14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.
16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
