The best jokes (6886 to 6900)

What would be different if

What would be different if men really ruled the world
Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you."
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again" cards.
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get ‘em next time" would pretty much do it.
Birth control would come in ale or lager.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."
Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too.
St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."
People would never talk about how fresh they felt.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

This guy walks into the local

This guy walks into the local bar one Friday afternoon when he gets out of work, as he steps up to the bar he sees his good friend Joe throw down 2 shots, he had a frown on his face.
"What's with the long face Joe?" asked the guy.
Joe responds, "My wife told me today that she was only going to have sex with me on Mondays, and Thursdays!"
"Well," said the friend, "That's not that bad, some of us she has cut off completely."

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

  
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

Elderly Honeymooners

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

One day the school principal w...

One day the school principal was talking to Little Johnny's teacher about his behavior, when all of a sudden Johnny comes running down the hallway.

The principal stops Johnny and asks him, "Why are you running?"

Little Johnny says, "I’m keeping two kids from fighting, sir."

"Who?" asked the principal.

"Me and the kid chasing me!" and off he went.

The Irishman's Olives

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

Good grades...

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised. He tapped her on the shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking....".

An army Major visiting sick so...

An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bad. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man," says the Major. He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir."
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before them two, Sir."

Cross-eyed dog

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes.

"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

A policeman is on scene at a t...

A policeman is on scene at a terrible accident - body parts everywhere. He is making his notes of where the pieces are and comes across a head.
He writes in his notebook: "Head on bullevard", and scratches out his spelling error.
"Head on bouelevard". Nope, doesn't look right - scratch scratch.
"Head on boolevard..." dang it! Scratch scratch.
He looks around and sees that no one is looking at him as he kicks the head. "Head on curb."

Got gas?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

An Unusual Nativity

A religious education class was almost finished making their models of the nativity scene and one little boy had done a lovely job. Some animals, Mary, Joseph, three wise men, and shepherds were all there. However, the teacher noticed an extra, rather overweight man in the scene as well.“Who is that person?” she asked.“Oh, that’s Round John Virgin.”

New dog breeds...

The American Kennel club has decided to recognize these new breeds of Dogs that are the result of cross breeding

Collie + Lhaso Apso: Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport.

Spitz + Chow Chow: Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up alot.

Bloodhound + Borzoi: Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun.

Pointer + Setter: Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet.

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier: Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries.

Pekingese + Lhaso Apso: Peekasso, an abstract dog.

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever: Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists.

Newfoundland + Basset Hound: Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisers.

Terrier + Bulldog: Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes.

Bloodhound + Labrador: Blabrador, a dog that barks incessantly.

Malamute + Pointer: Moot Point, owned by... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Collie + Malamute: Commute, a dog that travels to work.

Deerhound + Terrier: Derriere, a dog that's true to the end.

Training The Blonde

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A guy was running for an eleva...

A guy was running for an elevator and he stuck his hand in to stop the doors, and the doors opened. Inside stood a blonde. He said, "Good morning, which floor are you going to?"

She responded, "3rd floor." He pushed the 3rd floor button, plus the 5th floor for himself.

As the elevator started moving the gentleman struck up a conversation and asked the blonde where she was going. She said, "I'm going to the blood bank on the 3rd floor; I donate blood once a week for $10 to supplement my income." Then she asked the gentleman where he was going.

He responded, "I'm going to the sperm bank on the 5th floor; I donate sperm there once a week for $50 to supplement my income".

The next week the same scenario happens. He stopped the elevator doors with his hand, the doors opened and the blonde was standing inside. He smiled and greeted her and asked if she was going to the 3rd floor?

The blonde responded in a garbled tone (as if she had something in her mouth), "No 5th floor first."