The best jokes (6931 to 6945)

Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan.
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager.
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach."
"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied.
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money.
The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off."
"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder."
"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

History began some 12,000 year

History began some 12,000 years ago.(Actually, it was 40,000 yearsago.) Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadichunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summerand would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention ofbeer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get manto the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into twodistinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was thebeginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can wasinvented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to thebrewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque atnight while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what isknown as "the Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to liveoff the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doingthe sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of theLiberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved intowomen. The rest became known as girlymen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept ofDemocratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer thatConservatives provided.
Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest,most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals aresymbolized by the jackass.
Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added)(& foo foocoffee), but most prefer white wine or imported, bottled water. Theyeat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and Frenchfood are standard Liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women havehigher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers,personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and grouptherapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rulebecause it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and stillprovide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeocowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,police officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes andgenerally anyone who works productively outside government.Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want towork for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" theproducers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believeEuropeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of theLiberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business oftrying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that aLiberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the aboveinstead of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.

An old woman came into her doc

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I do that all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I did it no less than twenty times. What can I do?"
"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."
Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm doing it just as much, but now it smells terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"
"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing!!!"

Putting Out a Fire...by Fire

During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”The Methodists prayed in a corner.The Baptists wondered where they could find water.The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the damage.The Jews posted symbols on the door in hopes the fire would pass.The Congregationalists shouted, “Every man for himself!”The Fundamentalists proclaimed, “It’s the vengeance of God!”The Episcopalians formed a procession and protested.The Christian Scientists denied that there was a fire. The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson to form a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.From "The Book of Church Jokes," published by Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio. Copyright 2009. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc.

White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"     

Lamaze class question....

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is GOOD for you! Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt YOU to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Stock market report...

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market

When the beautiful secretary e

When the beautiful secretary entered her boss's office one morning, he looked out the window and announced idly, "It's certainly going to be a beautiful day."
"I don't think so," replied the secretary. "The weather forecast is for snow."
"It's not going to snow," contradicted the exec. "I'll lay you twelve to one."
"I'd rather not," she remarked. "Any other time sir, but that's my lunch hour."

Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when...

Joan & Bob had been married 50 yrs when she suggested they take a cruise. "We could go for a week & make wild love like when we were young." He eagerly agreed, went to the pharmacy & bought a bottle of seasick pills & a tube of lubricant. Joan: "The kids are on their own, why not go for a month?" Bob went back & bought 4 bottles of seasick pills & 4 tubes of lubricant. Joan said, "It's our 50th! Let's cruise around the world!" Bob went back & bought bags of seasick pills & lubricant. Pharmacist finally asked, "If it makes you that sick, why do you do it?”

"How do you do?"
"H

"How do you do?"
"How do I do what?"
"I mean, how do you find yourself?"
"Don't be silly. I never lose myself."
"You don't understand. How do you feel?"
"With my fingers, of course. Haven't you got anything better to do than bother me with stupid questions?"

 English Language

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Why Is This Night Different?

During one of his many trips to London, George Burns became friends with a very wealthy, yet very modest, Jewish chap named Hyman Goldfarb. On one visit, Hy told George that because of his large donations to charities through the years, the queen wanted to knight him, but he was going to turn it down."That's a great honor," George said. "Why would you turn it down?""Because during the ceremony you have to say something in Latin," he said. "And I don't wish to bother studying Latin just for that.""So say something in Hebrew. The queen wouldn't know the difference.""Brilliant," Hy complimented me, "but what should I say?""Remember that question the son asks the father on the first night of Passover? ... 'Why is this night different from all other nights?' Can you say that in Hebrew?""Of course," he said. "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh. Thank you, old sport, I shall become a knight."At the ceremony Hy waited his turn while several of the other honorees went before the queen. Finally they called his name. He knelt before Her Majesty, she placed her sword on one shoulder and then on the other, and motioned for Hy to speak.Out came "Ma nishtana ha leila hazeh."The queen turned to her husband and said, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

Chinese Jews

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?""I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?""I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews.""Are you sure?" Al asked."I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews.""Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.""Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

An African leader makes an off

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. As he's leaving, the Russian leader tells him that in Russia they have a farewell custom called "Russian Roulette", to demonstrate one's courage. The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger...click...empty chamber.
He hands the revolver to his African guest and says," Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual... click....empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. As he's leaving, the African tells him that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has devised an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.
The African then disappears through a door, only to reappear a few minutes later smiling and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are 6 of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose 1 of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
The African calmly answers, "One of them is a cannibal."