The best jokes (7036 to 7050)

A guy had been feeling down fo

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

Little League Etiquette

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.”
“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

Common Famous Last Words

Common Famous Last Words

1. Hey yall, watch this!

2. Hey you! Yeah, you. You got a problem?

3. Honey, wait, I can explain!

4. Does that smell like gas to you?

5. I'm telling you, that sign says we're going the wrong way!

6. Officer, this not a gun, it's just my comb.

7. Are you sure you gave the ambulance our new address?

8. Okay, roger that. I'm cutting the blue wire.

9. That dog doesn't look all that mean to me.

10. Don't worry, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

11. I don't need those depression pills anymore.

12. Hey you, that sign says "No Smoking" for a reason!

Risking Life

Reporter: What made you go out on that dangerous pond ice and risk your life to save a friend?
Boy: I had to do it. He had my skates on.

 Irishman Declares War

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello". The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein, it's Paddy here. I'm just ringing to let you know that we've declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself, "Come on Paddy", he says, "there's no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn't stand a chance." Paddy replies, "No, no, we've had ourselves a meeting, and we've decided to declare war on you."
So SH says, "OK Paddy, now listen, I've got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It'd be over in no time." So Paddy says, "Well my lad's got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport." Hussein laughs, "Oh come on, you've not got a hope". "Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, ", Paddy says, "we'll just have a quick meeting." So off he goes and has a quick meeting. "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
So SH says, "Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we've also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that." "Well," Paddy says, "I've got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor." "Get real, " says SH, "that's no match at all." So
Paddy says, "Hold on, I'll just go and have another meeting." "Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're still going to declare war."
SH thinks this is just amazing, "Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?". "Well," says Paddy, "there's me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there's Bill down the road.... I reckon I could get together about 30." Laughing openly now SH replies, "Come on Paddy, I've got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you'd better go and have another meeting." "I will", says Paddy, "I will."
"Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we've had our meeting, and we've decided that we're not going to declare war on you after all." "At last, " replies SH, "What made you change your mind?" "Well, it's those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can't declare war on you because we've not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!"

On Halloween we will not pun.

On Halloween we will not pun. Instead we make candied observations.

On the Stand

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

NED: I have a knocker on my ho

NED: I have a knocker on my house door.
ED: Really. You have a knocker.
NED: Does that impress you?
ED: Yes. You deserve the No Bell prize.

Military leaders succeed in bu

Military leaders succeed in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem.
They are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: attack or retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer: "Yes."
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer: "Yes what?"
Instantly the computer responded: "Yes Sir."

Good Bookkeeper

"It takes Bill a day and a night to tell a story."
"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."
"Why do you say that?"
"He's never short on his accounts."

Yo momma's so slow when s

Yo momma's so slow when she crossed the street she got a parking ticket.

Bob had been shopping downtown

Bob had been shopping downtown all day with his wife and four little children. They were all so tired, he decided to take a taxicab home.
Approaching a cab driver, he demanded, "How much will you charge to drive us to the Bronx?"
"I figure $5 apiece for you and your wife," said the driver. "I'll take the four kids along for nothing."
Bob turned to his children and said, "Jump in kids, and have a nice ride home. Momma and I will take the subway."

Niece and nephew

My niece ate my nephew. Such a little munch-kin!

Bit Harsh I Thought

"Push harder!" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"I hate you, I hate you more than I've ever hated anyone!" she screamed back at me.
Bit harsh I thought… it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital.

According to a study, According to a study, Julius had strokes, not epilepsy. So don't call him Caesar.

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