The best jokes (7021 to 7035)

Old West Revenge

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.
He slides up to the bar and announces, ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!''

He's A Baseball Fan

After Sunday mass, I wished aloud a blessed afternoon for our priest. "Enjoy your time with the angels!"
"Oh, no," he said. "I'm a Dodgers fan!"

Early Capitalist

Ten-year-old Tommy greeted his sister's boy friend very enthusiastically, "That harmonica you gave me for my birthday is easily the best present I have ever had!"
"I'm glad you liked it," the boyfriend replies.
"Oh yeah! Mother gives me a quarter a day not to play it!"

The Three Week Diet

A man says to a friend, “My wife is on a three-week diet.”
“Oh, yeah? How much has she lost so far?” asks his pal.
He replies, “Two weeks.”

The manager hired a new secret

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.
Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"
The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, "Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

Features Of A Baby

"Mom, you said the baby had your eyes and Daddy's nose, didn't you?"
"Yes, darling."
"Well, you'd better keep an eye on him... he's got grandpa's teeth now.

Q:What Do Tree's Drink?

Q:What Do Tree's Drink?
A:Root beer

#joke #short #drinks #beer

If you touch the Queen's

If you touch the Queen's head on a penny, you could be arrested; that's what happens when you copper-feel.

Telling Time

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

The Trained Scientist

First Mouse: I finally got that scientist trained.
Second Mouse: How so?
First Mouse: Every time I go through the maze and ring the bell, he gives me something to eat.

Here is an actual sign posted

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland UK:
1. Back Straight, Knees Bent, Feet Shoulder Width Apart.
2. Form A Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down!
4. Avoid A Quick Back Swing.
5. Stay Out Of The Water.
6. Try Not To Hit Anyone.
7. If You Are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead Of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly In Front Of Others.
9. Quiet Please...While Others Are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
Well Done. Now, Flush The Urinal, Go Outside, And Tee Off.

Shift of Responsibility

The new chairman, giving his acceptance speech at the annual meeting of a local society club indicated his concern...
"In most associations half the members do most of the work while the other half does nothing. Beginning today this will change. From this day forward this will be reversed!"

Sir Isaac Newton...

Sir Isaac Newton, upon watching a large crowd of peasants pointlessly measure the duration of a speech about wheel rods, announced with ridicule – “mass-timed axel oration equals farce!”

The Hinges

I used to be in a band called The Hinges...
We opened for The Doors!

A guy had been feeling down fo

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked him a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."