The best jokes (7066 to 7080)

Rain & Diet Coke

I am constantly drinking Diet Coke.
On a rainy day I told my 9 year-old son that I needed an umbrella because I’m made of sugar and will melt in the rain.
He said, “You sure it's not artificial sugar?”

Bought A Dog

I once bought a dog off a blacksmith.
As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door.

Psychic Girlfriend

I almost had a psychic girlfriend...
But she left me before we met.

If you want to hand out commun

If you want to hand out communion, you have to assign a wafer.

When was the yoyo originally u

When was the yoyo originally used in combat?

Cows In the Field

My son couldn't sleep. So I told him there are cows sleeping in the field outside.
He said: “What’s that go to do with anything?”
I replied: “Because it's pasture bedtime.”

When God made Eve, he

When God made Eve, he split the Adam. And on the seventh day, he went fission.

Family Genetics

The topic for my third-grade class was genetics. Smiling broadly, I pointed to my dimples and asked, “What trait do you think I passed on to my children?”
One student called out, “Wrinkles!”

Hipsters

Hipsters hate rivers...
Too mainstream.

Comparing One Year Olds

Ed: How old is your brother?
Ted: He’s a year old.
Ed: Huh! I’ve got a dog a year old and he can walk twice as well as your brother.
Ted: Sure, your dog has twice as many legs.

Random Letters

Me: I'm terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see....
Me: (Scream intensifies)

United Nations Day jokes

October 24 is celebrated as United Nations Day, marking the establishment of this esteemed organization. Here are some jokes to help you spread awareness.

A teenager went to United Nations for help...
The UN judge asks, "Want are you afraid of?"
He replies,"My face is so oily, I'm afraid the US would invade me."

The United Nations are putting on an event with carousels, candy floss and a ferris wheel a couple of towns away.
I wish they'd come to my town. It's UNfair.

'Knock knock'
'Who's there'
'Okay Google'
'Okay Google, who?'
'Sorry I didn't catch that'
'OKAY GOOGLE WHO?'
'The World Health Organization is a specialized agency of the United Nations that is concerned with international public health. It was established on 7 April 1948, headquartered in Geneva, Switzerland. '

Why was the United Nations concerned when the waitress dropped the platter on Thanksgiving?
It meant the fall of Turkey, the ruin of Greece, and the breakup of China.

I always tell people I work for the United Nations.
It's a better way of saying I'm U.N.employed.

The United Nations world-wide survey joke

United Nations sent out a survey to every country, asking "Would you please share your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey flopped pretty much everywhere.
In Africa, families were confused about what "food" was.
Eastern Europeans watching state TV didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
People watching in China didn't know what an "opinion" was.
In the wartorn areas of Afghanistan and the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.
People in South America didn't know what "please" meant.
People in Russia reading the survey knew what "share" meant.
Finally, Americans didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

The Running Florist

I was working in my downtown flower shop, when I noticed a man grab a bouquet and head for the door without paying.
By the time I got to the door, he was halfway down the block.
As I ran after him, I heard a woman across the street yell, "Run, Florist, Run!"

Take A Message

When you call a dog, they usually come to you.
When you call a cat, they take a message.

I've always wanted to start a company called...

I've always wanted to start a company called "Thank You for Calling How May I help You"

Then my receptionist will have to answer the phone like "Thank you for calling Thank You for Calling How May I Help You, how may I help you?"