The best jokes (7291 to 7305)

Once upon a time there was a f...

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.

"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.

"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice, "HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"

Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away:

"We're down here..."

Canada Language

How you can spot a Canadian, eh? -Don McGillivray (Ottawa columnist for Southam Newspapers)
How do you tell a Canadian from an American?
It used to be enough to ask him to say the alphabet. When the Canadian got to the end, he'd say "zed" instead of "zee". But 18 years of Sesame Street have taught a lot of Canadian kids to say "zee," and it's starting to sound as natural as it does south of the 49th parallel.
Another test used to be the word "lieutenant". Canadians pronounced it in the British was, "leftenant", while Americans say "lootenant". But American cop shows and army shows and movies have eroded that difference, too.
Canadians have been adopting American spelling as well. They used to put a "u" in words like labour. The main organization in the country, the equivalent of the AFL-CIO, is still officially called the Canadian Labour Congress. But news organizations have been wiping out that distinction by adopting American spelling, mostly to make it easier to use news copy from such agencies as Associated Press without a lot of changes. So it's "Canadian Labor Congress" when the Canadian Press, the national news agency, writes about it.
Some pronunciations, considered true tests of Canadians, are not as reliable as they're thought. Take the word "house" for example. When some Canadians say it, it sounds very Scottish in American ears. Visiting Americans trying to reproduce what they hear usually give the Canadian pronunciation as "hoose".
The same for "out" and "about". The way some Canadians say them sounds like "oot" and "aboot" to many Americans. And when an American says "house" to a Canadian, the Canadian often hears a bit of an "ay" in it, something like "hayouse".
But pronunctiaiton isn't a good test because people from different parts of Canada speak differently. A resident of the Western province of Alberta, where there has been a considerable inflow of settlers from the United States, may sound like a Montanan or a Dakotan.
Then there's the ubiquitous Canadian expression "eh?" - pronounced "ay?" This is a better test because many Canadians tack it on to the end of every assertion to turn it into a question.

An elderly woman walked into t...

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.
"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."
"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired. “No." he said.
"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.
"Do you know who I am?" he asked.
"No." she said.
"Good," he answered.

Chicken legs...

A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH.

He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him.

He sped up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up.

The man then noticed that the chicken had three legs, so he followed the chicken down a road and ended up at a farm.

The curious man got out of his car and noticed that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer, "What's up with these chickens?"

The farmer explained, "Well, everybody likes chicken legs, so I bred a three-legged bird. I'm gonna be a millionaire."

"How do they tasted?" asked the man.

"Don't know," replied the farmer, "haven't caught one yet."

virgin

A woman & her best friend are shopping for a wedding

gown. Surprised at her choice, the friend exclaims, "you

can't be serious, how can you wear white?" The woman asks why

not? "Well", said the friend, "this is your FOURTH wedding

and you're not a virgin!" "Oh, but I am" replied the woman.

"How can that be? "My 1st husband was a Gynecologist, and all

he wanted to do was look at it. My 2nd husband was a

psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My

3rd husband was a contractor & never showed up. But don't

worry. This time I'm marrying a lawyer & I know I'll get

screwed!"

Q: Can you describe the indivi...

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

A Love Story
I will see...

A Love Story
I will seek and find you . . .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you .
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop. I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu

Doctor, you must help me....

A Doctor recently had a patient "drop" in on him for an unscheduled appointment. "What can I do for you today?" the Doctor asked.

The aged Gentleman replied, "Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, I can hardly catch my breath. . . . doctor, I'm very concerned!"

The doctor, looking at his 86 year old patient, said,: "Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years, but tell me, when did you first notice these symptoms?"

The old gent's response was, "Well. . . three times last night, and twice again this morning!"

Mr. Gorsky

On July 20, 1969, As Commander Of The Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong Was The First Person To Set Foot On The Moon.
His First Words After Stepping On The Moon, "that's One Small Step For Man, One Giant Leap For Mankind," Were Televised To Earth And Heard By Millions.
But Just Before He Reentered The Lander, He Made The Enigmatic Remark "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky."
Many People At Nasa Though It Was A Casual Remark Concerning Some Rival Soviet Cosmonaut.
However, Upon Checking, There Was No Gorsky In Either The Russian Or American Space Programs.
Over The Years Many People Questioned Armstrong As To What The "good Luck, Mr. Gorsky... Statement Meant, But Armstrong Always Just Smiled.
On July 5, 1995, In Tampa Bay , Florida , While Answering Questions Following A Speech, A Reporter Brought Up The 26-year-old Question To Armstrong. This Time He Finally Responded.
Mr. Gorsky Had Died, So Neil Armstrong Felt He Could Answer The Question.
In 1938 When He Was A Kid In A Small Mid-west Town , He Was Playing Baseball With A Friend In The Backyard.
His Friend Hit The Ball, Which Landed In His Neighbor's Yard By The Bedroom Windows.
His Neighbors Were Mr. And Mrs. Gorsky.
As He Leaned Down To Pick Up The Ball, Young Armstrong Heard Mrs. Gorsky Shouting At Mr. Gorsky.
"Sex! You Want Sex?! You'll Get Sex When The Kid Next Door Walks On The Moon!"

A woman came home, screeching ...

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually a...

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

The Popemobile

The p...

The Popemobile

The pope was coming over to visit Canada and when he was greeted at the airport there was a limo waiting for him. As he was getting in he asked the limo driver if he could drive instead, because being a pope - he never got to do neat things like that.

The driver said sure, after all - you can't say no to the pope.

The pope of course decided to have some fun and drove the limo at about 200 km/h in a 80 km/h zone and a cop spots him and pulls him over.

The cop of course was very surprised when he looked inside the limo, and immediately radioed his supervisor.

Cop: What should I do? I can't ticket this guy!
Supervisor: Why who is it? The Mayor?

Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?

Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the mayor? Is it the Premiere?

Cop: No, much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Premiere? The Prime Minister?

Cop: No, much much more important!
Supervisor: Not the Prime Minister? Who the hell can be more important than the Prime Minister?

Cop: I don't know, but he has the Pope as his chauffeur!

Rifle range trouble

A new Army recruit was on the rifle range. He fired 50 shots and completely missed the target with every shot!
His Drill Instructor called him to attention and got in his face. “What's the matter with you?” shouted the DI. “Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?”

“I was a telephone repair man,” replied the recruit, “and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see…”

The man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again and then checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger and blew the end of his finger off!

“Well,” the phone man said, writhing in pain, “the bullets are leaving this end here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!”.

Christmas jokes-Letter sent up the chimney

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve?
Black mail !

To impress his date, a young m...

To impress his date, a young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant.

After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and ordered.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That"s the owner."