The best jokes (7426 to 7440)

Ed and Ted are standing side b...

Ed and Ted are standing side by side at urinals when Ed glances down and sees that Ted's dick is twisted like a corkscrew.

Ed says, "I've never seen one like that before."

Ted says, "Like what?"

Ed says, "All twisted, like a pig's tail."

Ted says, "What's yours like?"

Ed says, "Straight, like normal."

Ted says, "I thought mine was normal 'til I saw yours."

Ed finishes and starts shaking his prick.

Ted says, "What'd you do that for?"

Ed says, "I was shaking out the last few drops."

Ted says, "Wow... and to think that all these years I've been wringing mine out."

So you want to marry a millionaire ?

A very rich man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, But we dont know anything about each other. He said,Thats all right, well learn about each other as we go along. So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
That was incredible! she said.
I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you wed learn more about ourselves as we went along. So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath.
That was incredible! he said. Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?
No, she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

Two Question

Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship. One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you."
The silver-haired Marcia looked up to see a distinguished looking white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and scooted over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had long happy marriages and lost their spouses in the last year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma' am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great anticipation Marcia replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes.
"Marcia, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcia grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!"
She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcia said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"

One day the preacher's wife we...

One day the preacher's wife went to the local butcher shop looking for the family dinner. She walked in and asked the butcher what was his choice of the day. The butcher replied " I recommend the "God Damn Ham"!! The preacher's wife turned bright red and replied "I am the preachers wife, how can you say such things to me!! "No No replied the butcher, The name of the ham is "God Damn Ham." Oh, well then said the preacher's wife, I'll take a nice big piece.

The preacher arrives home and says "Honey, what's for dinner?" The wife promptly replies "God Damn Ham." The preacher in turn (praying for his wife's soul) "Oh dear, how can you say such a thing when your a preacher's wife?" "No! No! my dear," replies the wife, "the name of the ham is "God Damn Ham." The preacher then calms down and prepares for the family dinner.

At dinner time the preacher, wife, son, & daughter sit down for the family dinner. The preacher says a blessing for the evening meal and proceeds to say "AMEN. Honey pass me the God Damn Ham."... At that the teenage son's eyes light up and he slaps the preacher on the back and says " THAT'S THE SPIRIT DAD, PASS THE F#%$KEN POTATOES!!"

Question And Answer Blond Jokes

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?

A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.


Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?

A: Her IQ goes up!


Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been spotted.


Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?

A: Reservations.


Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.


Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?

A: Change.


Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?

A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Feel the Hot Burn of Shame!!!

Have you seen the hottest new Catholic porn film?
It's 10 minutes of sex and 50 minutes of guilt.

Guy goes into a bar and orders...

Guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. Bartender brings him his drink and he pushes it aside and orders another. When the second drink arrives, he starts to drink it down.

For the next several hours, this same thing goes on. He waits a while... orders a drink... pushes it aside and then orders a second one and then starts to drink the second when it arrives.

After several hours of this and many drinks still lined up on the bar, the bartender finally decides to ask why the guy is doing this.

The guy starts to explain... "well, for the past few months I've been going to those AA meetings. Now, they have all these ideas about the 12 steps and such. I'm a simple guy and not too sure I understand it all, but the one thing they really push is to make sure you don't take that first drink..."

Judi tried to sell her old car...

Judi tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles.
One day, she told her problem to a friend she worked with at a salon. Her friend told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."
"That doesn't matter," replied Judi, "if only I can sell the car."
"Okay," said Judi's friend. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore."
The following weekend, Judi made the trip to the mechanic. Two weeks later the friend asked Judi, "Did you sell your car?"
"No," replied Judi, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

Blonde Smoker

Q: How did the blonde put out her cigarette?
A: She threw it in the water and stepped on it.

A blonde is walking down the s...

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out."

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOODNESS! I left the baby on the bus again!"

Hunting Season

The Wednesday night church service coincided with the last day of hunting season. During the service, our pastor asked who had bagged a deer. No one raised a hand.
Puzzled, the pastor said, “I don't get it. Last week many of you said you wouldn't be at church Sunday because of hunting season. I had the whole congregation pray for your deer.”
One hunter said, "Well, preacher, it worked. They're all safe.”

SINGLES AD

This ...

SINGLES AD

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in The Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting...

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever.

(They say men ARE so easy)

Top ten things you don't ...

Top ten things you don't want to hear from your real estate agent when you go to settlement on your new home:

1. "I think unexplained crop circles add a unique flair to any home's garden."

2. "Actually, it's only the rear portion of the yard that overlaps the ancient Indian burial ground."

3. "Yes, the last owner did donate the house to the Hell's Angels, but I'm told that the judge has ordered them not to come within 50 feet of it."

4. "One bleeding toilet doesn't necessarily mean it's haunted."

5. "Your neighbor has assured me that, technically, they're not 'killer' bees."

6. "Even if there was a full-scale mudslide, it's unlikely that it would reach as far back as your property."

7. "It's quite common for roaches to grow that big even when not in the presence of radioactivity."

8. "Did you know that the band Grave Raper holds their practice sessions right next door?"

9. "It's true that they died in the house, but the prosecutor was never actually able to prove it was murder."

10. "You can barely hear the sheet metal factory at night."

Two eggs please

...

Two eggs please

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home.

The moral of the story ........... DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS

Personal ad

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cosy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy.

Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever dog.