The best jokes (7531 to 7545)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 7531 to 7545. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Tour Bus Driver
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts.
When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"
"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied.
"We just love the chocolate around them."
Jon Lajoie: Dreamt of a World
John Lennon imagined a world filled with peace and love. Martin Luther King dreamt of a world free from racial discrimination and oppression. The guy who invented the Frisbee, dreamt of a world where people would throw a fat, circular object at each other in order to pass the time. He succeeded.Knock Knock
Who's there? <...
Knock Knock Who's there?
Madam
Madam who?
MADAM FOOTS STUCK IN THE DOOR!
Kilted Scotsman
A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, `I`ve always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.` She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said, `Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!` So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away.
Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said, `I don know where y`been lad...but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!`
Just before the funeral servic...
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it
The seven dwarfs went off to w...
The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch.However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.
Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".
A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine:
" Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"
"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"
Lightbulb Joke Collection 08
Q: How many Dylan fans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind.
Q: How many Pet Shop Boys does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to change it and one to sit around looking bored.
Q: How many heavy metal fans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to change it and two to say "Excelleeeeeent !"
Q: How many punk rockers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two: One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his forehead.
Q: How many crusties does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Crusty #1 yanks the old bulb out and crusty #2 is just about to put the new one in when crusties #3 and #4 stagger in and start arguing that it's their turn. In the ensuing squabble the bulb gets dropped on the floor and smashes. Then crusty #5 points out what a good laugh this is and so chief crusty (#6) dispatches crusties #7 and #8 to go down the shops to buy a new one. After having visited at least 2 off licences on the way, they find their way into the hardware shop. While crusty #7 is busily trying to buy 6 new bulbs for the princely sum of 10p each and a can of special brew, crusty #8 is busy liberating as many as will fit into his long grey shapeless overcoat's pockets. They are joined on the way back by crusties #9 and #10 whose names they've forgotten but they do at least *sound* familiar, and much frivolous hugging ensues until someone remembers what the trip down the shops was all about. On their way back into the squat they pass crusty #11, who has only just joined the group, and who is just on his way out to go and get his hair crimped. Anyway once inside, the lightbulbs are all smashed on the floor and the stereo is cranked up so the dancing can begin. At this point crusty #12 comes back in from a Levellers gig and collapses in a corner, only to find he is lying on something that makes a noise, which turns out to be the dog, holding the last unsmashed lightbulb in its mouth.
Random Thoughts...
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Phillip's Screwdriver?Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
If you take an Oriental person and spin them around several times, do they become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called 'Poles,' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
The man who performed his firs...
The man who performed his first prostate exam on an Irishman felt deeply a Seamus.An elderly couple was sitting ...
An elderly couple was sitting together, watching their favorite Saturday night TV program.During one of those commercial breaks, the husband asked his wife:
"Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"
After a long thoughtful silence, the wife, during the next commercial break, replied:
"You know, I don't really know... I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year."
Wife: “There’s trouble with th...
Wife: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”Husband: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.”
Wife: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
Husband: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. Where’s the car?”
Wife: “In the swimming pool.”
Oops
A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.
Praise the Lord...
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations that he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! God, I need food. I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries."
The next morning, the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "HA...HA. I told you there was no Lord! I bought those groceries, myself! God didn't!"
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the Devil pay for them! PRAISE THE LORD!"
How much?
A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her
"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"
Without skipping a beat she screams
"Yes!"
The man then asks
"What about for $20?"
She looks at him sideways and says
"What do you think I am, a whore?"
The man says
"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."
