The best jokes (7606 to 7620)

Lawyer One Liners #4

** What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners.

** What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

Pregnant

Jack has a girlfriend he takes to a hotel for a night of pleasure. Lying in bed the following morning he's getting heartburn from worrying about the possible unpleasant consequences that could result from his indiscretion. He asks his companion: "What would you do if you found out you were pregnant?"
"I'd jump out of this tenth-story window!", she tells him.
Jack, with a great sigh of relief, looks at her admiringly and says, "Such a doll."

Obscene caller

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Honey," drawled the lady, "If you can hold it in one hand, I ain't interested."

Political wisdom

...

Political wisdom

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting, On what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few Short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke

12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)

13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)

14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)

15) Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
- Unknown

17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill

18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain

19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson

The divorce judge asked Little...

The divorce judge asked Little Johnny which parent he wanted to live with.

Little Johnny replied, "Not my daddy, he beats me...Not my mommy, either; she beats me, too."

Little Johnny thought for a minute, then exclaimed, "I know! I want to live with the New Orleans Saints! They don't beat anybody!"

Bill Gates Picks His Own Punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

You Might Be A Redneck If 53

You might be a redneck if...
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Settling A Cow Case

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.
The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"
The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Is the Internet haunted? Behin...

Is the Internet haunted? Behind every link could be a horrifying, astley presence.

How many men does it take to c...

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows -- has it ever happened?

I Don't Speak Dog

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. He names the dog Einstein and trains Einstein to do a couple of tricks. He can't wait to show Einstein off to his neighbor. A few weeks later when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Einstein into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation. The guy points to the newspaper on the couch and commands "Fetch!"Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face. Looking up at his master, he whines, "You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy vey ... And you think it's easy eating that junk that you call designer dog food? Forget it ... it's too salty and it gives me gas. It's disgusting I tell you!"

The neighbor is absolutely amazed ... stunned. In astonishment, he says, "I can't believe it. Einstein can speak. Your dog actually talks. You asked him to fetch the newspaper and he is sitting on the sofa talking to us."

"I know, I know," says the dog owner. "He's not yet fully trained. He thought I said kvetch."

Tennis Balls

One day while jogging, a middle-aged man noticed a tennis ball lying by the side of the walk.

Being fairly new and in good condition, he picked the ball up, put it in his pocket and proceeded on his way.

Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blond standing next to him smiling.

"What do you have in your pocket?" she asked.

"Tennis ball," the man said smiling back.

"Wow," said the blonde looking upset. "That must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable!"

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

Rachel Feinstein: Sassy Mom

Shes got one of those crazy, kind of overly spiked mom-dos. Like her hair keeps getting more and more aggressive every time I see her. She looks insane. She looks a lot like Vanilla Ice at this point. Her hair looks like it was cut by a computer.

Microsoft: The Problem is at Your End #jokes

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

Sex Life in Years...

Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

"But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

"Ten years is plenty for me."

Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

The monkey graciously agreed.

Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

The lion graciously agreed.

Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.