The best jokes (7696 to 7710)

Tony was a pianist and was pra...

Tony was a pianist and was practicing late one night. There was a tap on the door, when he opened it his landlord was standing outside the door. He asked; “do you know there is a sick lady upstairs?"
Tony answered, “no, I haven’t heard that song. Can you please hum it a little?"

Answering Machine Message 256

(For Shakespeare lovers only:)
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.

Laytex Gloves

dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?"
She said, "No?"
"Well," he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."
And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.
The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make Laytex Condoms

What did Bill Gates' wife say ...

What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on his wedding night?
"Now I know why you called your company Microsoft

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"

What type of prize did you win?

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

A gang-member was holding his ...

A gang-member was holding his 8 month old baby while his wife was in kitchen fixing lunch. The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his wife, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

Picking a punishment #joke #humor

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K.
The guy is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens.
Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

Give or Take a Gazillion

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.

Oh no! exclaims the president, Thats terrible!

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, How many is a brazillion?

Blonde at the Country Club

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

The Ten Ifs Of Employment

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it's the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it's handwritten, type it.
8. if it's typed, copy it.
9. If it's copied, file it.
10. If it's Friday, forget it!

An Iowan Visits Arkansas

This guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white

wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and

the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around

here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell

is a taxidermist?"

The guy says "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's

OK boys, he's one of us!"

Three Chairs for the Baptists

A Methodist minister meets three Baptist deacons on the golf

course and

invites them to come to his church some Sunday. Not too many

weeks thereafter and just as services are starting, they show

up.

Attendance was good in the small Methodist church and there

wasn't a pew

available. Several church members were already seated on

folding chairs. When the minister, just starting the service,

saw the three Baptist deacons

enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the

nearest usher,

"Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the

back."

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg

your pardon?"

"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," repeated the

minister. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still

on his face.

Once more the minister tried, speaking slowly and

distinctly. "Three chairs.

For the Baptists," he enunciated.

The usher's face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to

face the

congregation. "All right, everybody," he called out to the

assembled

worshipers. "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

A helping hand....

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

I've been in love with the sam...

I've been in love with the same woman for many years. I hope my wife doesn't find out or she'll kill me!