The best jokes (7891 to 7905)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 7891 to 7905. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Wedding Night
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.
But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."
So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."
"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."
Up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.
Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"
"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you."
Up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.
"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"
"Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother.
"This is a job for Mama."
A small 1 SEATER plane crashed...
A small 1 SEATER plane crashed into a cemetery. Police have recovered 102 bodies so far and will continue to dig throughout the night.April Fool's Day Prank - Stock your refrigerator ...
Stock your refrigerator with a terrifying "head" in a jar. How Many Dogs does it Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?
Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!
Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!
Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .
Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?
Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.
Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.
Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
Irish Wolfhound: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover.
Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Who did it?
The visiting church school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class who broke down the walls of Jericho. Little Johnny replies that he does not know, but it definitely is not him.
The supervisor, taken aback by this lack of basic Bible knowledge, goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident.
The principal replies that he knows little Johnny, as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them, and if little Johnny said that he did not do it, he, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth.
Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the Regional Head of Education and relates the whole story.
After listening, he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the darn wall!"
Turn-down service in posh hotels
Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, I've come to turn down your bed. To which I said, Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?
Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)
Picture: Andrew Crowley
Barbie
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"
"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"
"Yeah, well, it's like this ... Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture ..."
The best way to end a fight...
Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, eighty percent of all men think the best way to end a fight is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman, "if that was true, that would certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"
Dress Code:
1)
Dress Code:1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we willassume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need araise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need araise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. Ifyou are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are calledSaturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do fordead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to havenon-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rarecases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should bescheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now astrict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes,an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stalldoor will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense,your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the"Chronic Offenders" category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will besectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break: (Love this one)
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the timeneeded to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations,allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and inputshould be directed elsewhere.
What happend here???
A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a guy floats by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
The day care teacher holds up
The day care teacher holds up a picture and asks, "What's this?" "A horsy," one child answers."And this?" the teacher asks. "A piggy," replies another youngster."
And now this one?" asks the teacher, holding up a picture of a male deer with a beautiful rack of antlers. There was no answer, only total silence. "Come now, children," she coaxes, "I'll give you a little hint".
What does your Mommy call your Daddy when he hugs and kisses her a lot? "I know! I know!!" exclaims one little girl.
"It's a horny bastard!"
Probing questions....
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in theuniverse, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?
Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are wesupposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the othershere for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
