The best jokes (826 to 840)

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

A gentleman is preparing to bo...

A gentleman is preparing to board a plane, when he hears that the Pope is on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thinks the gentleman. “Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.” Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. Shortly after take-off, the Pope begins a crossword puzzle. Almost immediately, the Pope turns to the gentleman and says, “Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in ‘unt?’” Only one word leaps to mind. “My goodness,” thinks the gentleman, “I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word.” The gentleman thinks for quite a while, and then it hits him. Turning to the Pope, the gentleman says, “I think the word you're looking for is ‘aunt.’” “Of course,” says the Pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Grandpa and grandma were watch

Grandpa and grandma were watching the televisionevangelical show and the preacher said, if theviewers at home wanted to be healed, place onehand on the television set and the other handon the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the televisionset, placed her right hand on the set and herleft hand on her arthritic shoulder that wascausing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placedhis right hand on the set and his left hand onhis crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess youjust don't get it. The purpose of doing thisis to heal the sick, not to raise the dead."

The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles. At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box.
The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.
The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.  

The boss ordered one of his me...

The boss ordered one of his men to dig a hole eight feet deep. After the job was completed the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving amound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
The boss snorted. "Honestly! The kind of help you get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

If you want to know who is rea...

If you want to know who is really man’s best friend, put your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car, come back an hour later, open the trunk, and see which one is happy to see you.

"He has all the virtues I disl

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?"
Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
Moses Hadas
"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
Groucho Marx
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one."
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."
Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
Paul Keating
"He had delusions of adequacy."
Walter Kerr
"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
Jack E. Leonard
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt."
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame them."
James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder

Curtain Rod

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.
The house was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love so he asked the wife to move out and then he would buy her another place.
The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.
While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
The husband came back, with his new girl, and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started; slowly but surely.
Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything; cleaned & mopped and aired the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.
Finally, they could take it no more and decided to move.
The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home ... including the curtain rods.    

Blessing....

A woman invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the woman answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

Different ways to say your not so bright...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

The avid golfer

Bill, an avid golfer, contacts a "Medium" and asks if there is a Golf Course in Heaven. The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to Bill in a few days.

After several days go by, Bill finally gets a call from the Medium. "Well," said Bill, "what did ya find out?"

"I've got good news and bad news for you," said the Medium.

"OK," "what's the good news" Bill exclaimed.

"Well," there is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you'll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy," blurted out the Medium.

"And the bad news?" asked Bill.

"You're due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10:30 in the morning."

Which book has helped...

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

When I go to casinos, the most...

When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: "If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

Singing In Church

A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said, "Power!" The congregation sang "There is Power in the Blood."
The Pastor said, "Sex!"
The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. Then all of a sudden, from the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."