The best jokes (871 to 885)

Because of an ear infection, L...

Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it.
As the pharmacist filled the order, he remarked on the unusual food- drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."

While attending a Marriage Sem...

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

Doesn't Even Need Glasses

John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

An Almost Affair

A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest

"I had an affair with a woman... almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?"

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box.

He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."

Joke first seen Posted by Jem on thinkhumanism.com foruum, on July the 22nd, 2007,

Image by Peter H from Pixabay

Fly spray

A man walked into a hardware store and picked up a can of fly spray.

"Is this good for wasps?" he asks the assistant.

To which she replies "No, it kills them."

Found on Fly spray funny joke - The Spoof , published on Tuesday, 16 December 2008 by Rusty

Photo by Sian Cooper on Unsplash

Long Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

Going Swimming

While visiting a water show a tourist asked one of the divers, "Why do scuba divers always fall backward off their boats?
To which the diver replied, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

The local bar was so sure that

The local bar was so sure that its owner was the strongest man around that it offered a standing $1,000 bet that no could beat him.
The challenge was that the owner would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran out into a beer glass, then hand the lemon to the customer. Anyone who could squeeze even one more drop out of the lemon would win the money.
Over the years many people had tried this, truck drivers, weightlifters and all had failed. Then one day this frail little fella with heavy rimmed spectacles came into the bar and asked if he could try the challenge.
After the laughter had subsided the owner said that it was only fair that the man be given a chance at the bet, so he picked up a lemon and started squeezing. Once he was done he handed the remains to the little man who promptly squeezed out 4 more drops of juice onto the bar.
Everyone looked on in amazement as the owner handed over the prize and asked, "What do you do for a living that has given you such strength? Are you a lumberjack, weightlifter, what?"
"No" the man replied, "I work for the IRS."

Grammar 101

I’m giving up drinking until Christmas!
Sorry, bad punctuation.
I’m giving up, drinking until Christmas!

A husband and wife are sitting

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV. The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head, she looks up and asks, "What are you staring at?"
"A spider," he replies.
"I don't see anything," she says.
"Oh, it must have fallen on your head," he said calmly.
The wife jumps up screaming...
The man says, "While you're up, can you get me another beer?"

Saving Life

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

Preach A Good Sermon

The preacher's 5-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.
"Well, Honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon."
"How come He doesn't answer it?" she asked.

Need A New Home

I need to re-home a dog.
It's a small terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you're interested, let me know and I'll climb over my neighbor's fence and get it for you.

Balcony Life

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot,"
he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

The Accident That's About to Happen

Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?