The best jokes (961 to 975)

A doctor wanted to get off wor...

A doctor wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. "Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So, Murphy, how was your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care of three patients... "The first one had a headache so he did...So I gave him Paracetamol."
"Very good, Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon," says Murphy.
"Great! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Oh my... What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

There are three kinds of men...

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation.
The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

A doctor in a teaching hospita...

A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”

By the time a Marine pulled in...

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room wastaken.
"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, Idon't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy,"admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But totell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining roomshave complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed andbushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,then?"
"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," theMarine" explained.
"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight,beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

Marriage...A childs perspective

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED? Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED? You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON? Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR? I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. -- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? -- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........ HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pre tty, even if she looks like a dump truck. -- Ricky, age 10

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregationand asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher'sfamily expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decidedto hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much theclergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much moreit could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chairand spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts asHe gives us.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said inher frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much ofit, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

A government employee sat in h...

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp. "This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.
While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.
"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."
Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again." Instantly, he was back in his government office.

A little boy and his grandfath...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. Thelittle boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says,"Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfatherreplies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limpto put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can ofhairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board.Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray,and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes backout and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says,
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma

Actual Notes From Doctors' Patient Charts...

1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no past history of suicides.

10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. She is numb from her toes down.

15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

16. The skin was moist and dry.

17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

22. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

23. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

24. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

25. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.

26. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.

27. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

28. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.

A new hair salon opened up for...

A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"

One day in philosophy class th...

One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."

What do rabbits say before fea...

What do rabbits say before feasting on your garden?
“Lettuce prey.”

The latest mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I'm Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

Mail order....

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

When the store manager returne

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me."