The best jokes (12751 to 12765)

A fellow charged with robbing

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.
"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asl

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs.
"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!"
"What do we care," said Mr. Steinfeld. "They won't get far, they'll probably die in the back yard."

“I know I need to bui

“I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health, but at the same time my body is telling me, no whey.”

I like all track and...

“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”

A logging site is a...

“A logging site is a chopping center.”

How Many Telemarketers

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

I was told that I wa...

“I was told that I was allergic to cats, but I have two and I'm feline fine!”

A salesman was assigned to sec

A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.
He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary:
"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."

“Each winter my uncle

“Each winter my uncle has his chimney inspected and cleaned. He does this to prepare his home for the 'flue' season!”

Little Johnny was in class one

Little Johnny was in class one day and the teacher was talking about anatomy. She held up pictures of male and female genitals and said this is called a 'penis' and this is a 'vagina'.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said his father had 2 penises.
When the teacher questioned him, he said that his father has a little one that he pees with and a large one that he brushes his mommy's teeth with.

 You Might Be A Redneck If 36

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won't ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald's breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, "Let's hit the road for dinner," and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister "Mom" and didn't have to correct yourself.

Making The Grade

In high school, two boys, two friends (one Spanish and one American), were talking about the grades they received in their classes.
American boy: "You got an F in Spanish! How could that happen? Spanish is what you speak at home and stuff."
Spanish boy: "Probably the same way you got an F in English."

“Wow, those slugs are

“Wow, those slugs are tough as snails!”

Fell In Love

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels...
She didn’t know I existed.

Question: If you could live fo

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey
"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
-- David Dinkins, former New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-- Jason Kidd, upon his being drafted by the Dallas Mavericks
"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."-- Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A congressional candidate in Texas.
"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
-- John Wayne
"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
-- General William Westmoreland