The best jokes (12736 to 12750)

“Have you heard about

“Have you heard about the big snowstorm? It's flake news!”

Here's the final word on nutr

Here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fatand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wineand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fatsand suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 Answering Machine Message 125

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you I guess... (BANG!)

Three medical students were di...

Three medical students were discussing what specialties they were planning to go into when they finished school.
One said, "I want to be a brain surgeon. That's the frontier, the cutting edge of medicine, where so many discoveries are being made."
The second said, "I want to be a heart surgeon. There are so many people who need that kind of help; look at all the good I could do."
The third said he wanted to be a dermatologist. When the others had finished laughing, they asked him why on earth he wanted to be a skin doctor.
"Listen," he replied. "Your patients never die, they never get well, and they never get you up at night."

“My church has a well

“My church has a well-respected bell choir. I started to audition for it but the long practice sessions did not appeal to me. I am sorry now I did not inquire more about it out because now my chance is gong forever.”

“The liquor store was

“The liquor store was burgled with no sign of a break in, no fingerprints and only spirits were taken. Police suspect it was a polter-heist.”

“'I like to go with

“'I like to go with the flow', said the hydrologist, fluidly.”

A fellow charged with robbing

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.
"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asl

Mr. and Mrs. Steinfeld are asleep in their beds late one night, when Mrs. Steinfeld hears a noise downstairs.
"Wake up!" cried Mrs. Steinfeld, nudging her husband. "There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the pot roast I made tonight!"
"What do we care," said Mr. Steinfeld. "They won't get far, they'll probably die in the back yard."

“I know I need to bui

“I know I need to build up my fitness with exercise and good health, but at the same time my body is telling me, no whey.”

I like all track and...

“I like all track and field events but I really get a charge out of the pole volt.”

A logging site is a...

“A logging site is a chopping center.”

How Many Telemarketers

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but they have to do it while you're eating dinner.

I was told that I wa...

“I was told that I was allergic to cats, but I have two and I'm feline fine!”

A salesman was assigned to sec

A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.
He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary:
"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."