The best jokes (13141 to 13155)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13141 to 13155. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Short Age Humor
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old. I've had two By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star...
Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies...as the Force.10 Christian Pick-up Lines
* Nice Bible.
* God told me to come and meet you.
* Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
* I know a church where we could go and talk.
* What are your plans for tonight? Feel like a Bible study?
* Nice bracelet. Who would Jesus date? Oh, I mean, what would Jesus do?
* Do you believe in divine appointment?
* Have you ever tried praying at a drive-in movie before?
* Christians kiss before parting–it’s an old Jewish tradition.
* Would you happen to know a Christian woman that I could love with all my heart and wait on hand and foot?
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member qtbabe
Chuck Norris doesn't shower; h...
Chuck Norris doesn't shower; he only takes blood baths.Great News
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well, tell me!" the man said.
The policeman said: "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said: "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said: "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."
"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her."
"If that's the good news, then what's the great news?" Mr. Wilkens demanded.
The policeman said: "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
Ring the bell
Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.
The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.
"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"
"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
Submitted by Curtis
Edsited by Glaci
“Global warming campa...
“Global warming campaigners lament the invention of the infernal combustion engine.”
The Reporter
A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment one day. He submitted the following
report to his editor.
"Mrs. Smith was injured in a one-car accident today. She is
recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her
breasts."
The Editor scolded the new reporter, saying. "This is a
family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here.
Now go back and write something more appropriate!"
The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed
the Editor the following report. "Mrs. Smith was injured in a
one-car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital
with lacerations on her ( o )( o ) "
Voodoo Dick
Voodoo Dick There was this businessman who was getting readyto go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a
flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her
something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he
didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So
he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking
around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was
too close to another man for him. He was browsing through
the dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter.
He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't
really know of anything that will do the trick. We have
vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I
don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped. "Except what?" the man
asked. "Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he
asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out
an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened
it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The
businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks
like every other dildo in this shop!" The old man replied,
"But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a
door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose
out of its box, darted over to the door, and started
screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the
vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before
the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get
back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to
the box and lay there quiescent once more. "I'll take it!"
said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't
for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The
guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo
and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick,
my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would
be fine while he wasgone. After he'd been gone a few days,
the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people
who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the
voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my
pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started
pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced
before.After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and
tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still
thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing
worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how toshut it
off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they
could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and
started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust
of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her
swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had
to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she
hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in
her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at
her for a second, and then said "Yea, right... Voodoo dick,
my ass!"
Why Eve Was Created
Top Ten Reasons Eve Was Created
10. God was worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
9. God knew that one day Adam would require someone to locate and hand him the remote.
8. God knew Adam would never go out and buy himself a new fig leaf when his wore out and would therefore need Eve to buy one for him.
7. God knew Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself.
6. God knew Adam would never remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
5. God knew if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
4. As the Keeper of the Garden, Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And the #1 reason why God created Eve...
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched his head, and said, "I can do better than that!"
Hunting With A Wife
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"
The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My wife."
