The best jokes (13381 to 13395)

 Ponderings Collection 11

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Just "before" someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach?
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

“Impatience can be at

“Impatience can be attributed to loss of wait!”

A man has been on Death Row fo

A man has been on Death Row for 8 years and has just lost his last appeal. The execution day arrives, and after the priest has read to him, the hangman escorts him from the cell. They get out of the cell block into the courtyard and the prisoner is down hearted to see its absolutely chucking it down with rain.
"I don't believe this." Says the prisoner "Of all the days to be hung and its pissing hard with rain."
The hangman replies "Well its all right for you, I've got to walk back in it!"

Ben is having a drink in his l

Ben is having a drink in his local bar when in walks this gorgeous woman. Ben, not being too shy, goes up and sits next to her. He buys her a drink and then another and then another. After this and the accompanying small-talk, Ben asks her back to his place for a "good time."
"Look," says the woman, "what do you think I am? I don't turn into a slut after 3 drinks, you know!"
"OK," replies Ben, "so how many does it take?"

A nervous taxpayer was unhappi

A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "We feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."
"Thank God," returned the taxpayer. "I thought you were going to want cash."

Two Eskimos

Two eskimos were chatting. One said, “Where did your mother come from?”
“Alaska.”
“Don’t bother, I’ll ask her myself!”

“I've been having is

“I've been having issues with the roof leaking into the storage space below it. It's being very problem attic!”

 Life Of Cows And Bulls

A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business. Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass. Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo." Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?" "Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

Restaurants Like Tech Support

If Restaurants Functioned Like Tech Support

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support. What seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it’s still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it’s a configuration problem. How was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the fly in my soup?!

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?

Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?

Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?

Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

[waiter leaves.]

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!!

Who is groundhog

“A groundhog is the guy who drank all his coffee.”

Flying On A Bad Airline

The Top 10 Signs You're Flying On A Bad Airline

1. The engine's being held on by duct tape.
2. You see the Gorilla from those old Samsonite commercials running loose up and down the aisles.
3. In-flight movie has "Ernest" in its title.
4. Pilot informs you that you're at cruising altitude and he's gonna put the top down.
5. Instead of Peanuts, you get a healthy helping of SPAM.
6. As you're taking off, the stewardess mentions the phrase "Guest Pilot Program"
7. The seats are wet due to flotation device moisture.
8. The stewardess asks you to join the Mile High Club..."she" has a beard and bigger arms than you!
9. Pilot asks if there is anyone else who wants a shot of Beam before he finishes the bottle.
10. You look down and see a copy of "Fixing a Plane for Dummies" by the mechanic's feet!!!

 I Get No Respect 06

"My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah..my wife just broke up with her boyfriend."
"My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one of them had VD."
"I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once... Doctor...every morning when I get up and look in the mirror..I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me? He said..I don't know but your eyesight is perfect"
"I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest."
"I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie."
"My dentist has bad breath......Why every time he smokes he blows onion rings."
"My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him...If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion...he said... Alright...you're ugly too!"
"I was so ugly...my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!"

Refrigerator

It was four in the morning when Mr. Dartle's phone rang. The voice at the other end was pleasant and sweet. "I'm Mrs. Weber, and I would like to tell you that the refrigerator I bought in your store works like a charm."

Mr. Dartle said, "Thank you. But why call me about it at four in the morning?"

Mrs. Weber said, "Because they just delivered it!"

Pet Name

Igor: "Why do you call your pet fawn 'Ninety-Nine Cents'?"
Boris: "Because it’s not old enough to be a buck."

 Recalled Chrstimas Toys

Recalled Christmas Toys

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass
   
2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit
   
3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook
   
4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set
   
5. Switchblade Barney
   
6. Pork-n-Beany Babies
   
7. Make your own moonshine kit
   
8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)